Winding Down 2010

2010 has been an incredible year - the highs have been higher, the lows have been lower. At this point, I feel like I should give it a huge long entry - I have definitely learned an incredible amount. As it stands, however, I think I'm going to summarize it with just a few bullets, and some photos of the wedding, which somehow made everything else worth while.

Here are a few of the highlights:

- Stood up to my parents for something that I believe in
- Brought my family and friends together in ways I could never have imagined, by being true to myself
- Started renting my first home
- Planned my own wedding
- Got married (THANK YOU, to everyone that came out to help make that day special for us - we love you all)
- Moved out of my parents house
- Giants won the World Series
- I wrote a rough draft of a novel (in 30 days!)
- Got some kick-ass new reptile tanks
- Celebrated two years as a preschool teacher
- Husband got a new job, that he absolutely loves
- First Xmas as a married couple

Well...That Was Interesting

When I was a kid - maybe seven or eight years old, could have been a little older or a little younger - my parents got involved with some 'transformational' work; sort of like life coaching, but on a group level. They're still involved with this, and over the course of the time that they've been involved with it, it's made an incredible (positive) difference in the quality of their lives, and in my own.

It's a field that offers an incredible range of tools, and there's something in it for everyone. I'm not really sure how it works, only that it's one of those things that - if you put your all into it - you will get something amazing back.

I've never been particularly adept at describing the remarkable things that people get out of it and discover for themselves, so I'm not really going to try - it's not necessary here - I'll leave it that I've never seen anyone walk away from one of the weekends without something that they can take and put into use.

I've done a number of their courses; one of them I did on at least three occasions (I think it was actually four or five) as a kid, and two other ones as a teen/adult. Every time, I threw myself into them; I never did a half-assed job on any of the work.

It's also a program that I continue to have a remarkable resistance to registering into. Every time I'm approached with it, a number of conversations come up. Some of them are issues I've had with the old format of registration, some of them are more personal.

I remember having it 'pushed' for a long time and my natural rebellious streak kicks in - having done it before, though, I know that they've provided some amazing tools for me in my life; that's a relatively 'easy' conversation to dismiss.

I remember the childhood feeling of having my parents be gone on weekends, that fear of abandonment and anger - again, I can recognize it and move around it with relative alacrity.

I remember the feeling, both as a child and an adult (completely unrelated to any of this work) that there was something wrong with me; that I was somehow different, broken. I remember feeling separate from people, unable to connect, 'unlovable', 'not good enough'.

I remember my parents suggesting the work to me, knowing that it makes a huge difference for people.

I remember feeling like maybe if I did enough of the work, that I would be 'fixed'. I remember walking away with an amazing amount of tools, a lot of things that were very helpful, a brand new lease on life... And still feeling isolated, different and broken in a lot of ways. (I've since found a way of living that has alleviated that.) I remember - in continuing to feel 'broken' in the weeks following the courses - the feelings of disappointment, let down, and of being deceived.

I remember my friends rolling their eyes at me, and being made fun of for taking part in those courses.

That last one is still particularly painful.

I didn't even know that I was carrying those last two around until my dad offered me a registration into a course that's coming up that would be paid for, half the length of the typical course, and much more workable hours (in other words, the 'usual' turn-offs were already managed) - and I still had a whole bunch of stuff come up.

Whether or not I registered, I figured it was definitely worth taking a look at what was being triggered.

Either way, it was a nice reminder to take a look at the tools I have and - well, maybe /use/ them with a little more frequency. ;)

Still kickin'.

Well, I completed that NaNoWriMo novel. I also managed to complete it within the amount of time allotted - 30 days. I'm pretty impressed with that.

W and I are starting to get our feet back under us again; the wedding made it a phenomenal year, and, in a lot of ways it has also been one in which we've felt an awful lot like we keep getting kicked while we're down. I'm sure I'll post more about that as we start to get some of those things resolved - until then, I'd prefer not to go into details on the internet.

Also got those tanks I ordered back in July, and so my reptiles are back at home with me; this feels very, very good.

Definitely enjoying it.

I'm sure there will be more later, and right now, mostly, I'm exhausted.

Over and out.

Four Weeks

I apologize for my absence; it's sort of funny to me that I feel the need to explain my lapses of appearance, as if there is some sort of giant web following that hangs on the edge of their keyboards, waiting, just WAITING for me to post something again. I'm spending this month focusing on my current project, writing a NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writers Month) novel. The goal is to produce 50,000 words in 30 days - so far, I'm right on track.

I started on this undertaking on November 4th, with approximately 4000 words already written (I used something that I had already started, but was still behind in word count compared to days - by the end of day four I needed to have 6668 words written in order to be on target for finishing on time). Today is November 7th and I am currently ahead of word count (by a negligible amount), clocking in with 11,980 words total. (That is approximately 29 full pages, single spaced.)

While I was debating what to write about (and having posted to Facebook to see if I could get some suggestions from friends), I had a number of very cool ideas thrown my way - one that seemed appropriate to be writing about in here, though, was "What is the first month of marriage /really/ like? Is it a love fest or is there a back story?"

Personally, my first month of marriage has definitely been 'interesting'. We'll start by discussing my allergy medications. I have really horrendous allergies, to who-knows-what - it starts with a post-nasal drip, and ends with pneumonia unless I keep things under control and stop the drip before it starts. Just before the wedding (about a week prior), the medication that I was on stopped working for some unknown reason - my body acclimated or something, who knows, I'm constantly having to rotate through medications to find one that will work again - and so I switched from Loratadine to Cetirizine Hydrochloride. For those of you that have never had anxiety/paranoia as a side effect to a medication, let me just explain it this way: If someone I trusted had told me that the government was bugging my house, I would have believed them. I had a variety of thoughts, from "My boss is going to fire me" all the way to "My husband is gay" - all of which I was absolutely CERTAIN of, with NO backing what-so-ever. The one saving grace to it is that I could at least see myself being ridiculously irrational. Being that I started taking it the week before the wedding, I hadn't noticed the paranoia so much - I'd chalked it up to wedding related stress. It took me until the middle of the third week of being married to finally get the heck off of that stuff, and start feeling more normal-ish. Thank goodness. Poor W was a huge sport and didn't give me a hard time at all about any of it, which is entirely to his credit - I was a nut.

The most noticeable change that I've seen with myself in regards to being married is the inexplicable sense of calm. Not from the lack of wedding planning and frenetic activity related to such, but more of an emotional sense. Dad put his finger on it exactly when he said that its like 'being grounded in the universe' - it gets rid of that sense of drift that I had as a single person (even in a relationship). I'm not sure what it comes from - the sense of being grounded - Dad suggested that maybe it was a sense that life is working out, having the answer to that question of 'Will I find someone who completes me?', knowing that someone is willing to promise, "Yes, I will be your best friend, period, forever," and legally bind themselves to that. I don't know. I just know that its brought an overwhelming sense of calm and peace, and helped me feel grounded in ways that I didn't know possible.

There's been some 'big' little stuff too - stuff that I'm not really comfortable disclosing on the internet because it's not about me, it only affects me. There's been financial stuff; who pays for what, how much do we each pay, where does it come from, what do we do with combined money vs. our separate accounts. There's been health stuff - things that can be scary if we let them, and frustrating 'what is' scenarios when taken from a more factual standpoints.

I think about it though, when we're spending time together - especially with W being as much older than me than he is - what are my memories of married life going to be? Right now, they're absolutely wonderful. I don't so much remember the stressful things as I do the moments where we're lying on the couch and W decides that out of the blue he's going to tickle me. I remember him waking me up at two in the morning when he came to bed (I go to bed earlier than he does, that took some getting used to), talking to me about the day and our roommate and things that were going on with life and me finally stopping him and saying, "Baby, I've got to get to sleep." I remember that in the morning, he had no recollection of any of that. I remember lying in bed with him one night, talking for fifteen minutes about absolutely ridiculous things - a conversation that would make so sense if you weren't the two of us. I'm sure that half of it wasn't even really in English. I remember stepping in pee on the bathroom floor after W had been in there before me half asleep, and being irritated, yes, but noticing that he'd taken the time to make sure to wipe the seat. I remember hiking around Yosemite, and sitting at dinner for hours in Mariposa just talking and cuddling and being the best friends that we absolutely are.

There's been a lot of stuff in being married, and we're bumping up already on our first month together, which has absolutely, 100% FLOWN by. All in all though, I highly recommend it. If you're with your best friend, go for it. You've got the world to gain.

Prop 19

I'll start by stating the obvious: the idea of Prop 19 passing here in California makes me highly uncomfortable.

Not the idea of legalized marijuana - that I can understand, and in some sense, even support. The idea of cutting off funding to drug cartels, and taxing the living daylights out of it to assist the state economically... those seem like reasonable things to do, to me at least. Other countries have well enforced, well regulated legalized cannabis - it's not that humans are fundamentally incapable of managing it.

The part that I have a tough time with is the way that this legalization is being done - specifically that they're allowing personal private ownership of small quantities for personal consumption, rather than making the business a state run institution. How about something like a bar, where people come in, order what they want, and smoke it there? Just check their keys at the door.

It also does relatively little to address the unintended results of such legalization; it seems to me that the vast majority of people who want to legalize this are socially irresponsible, emotionally immature individuals. Allowing that maybe my sample population is off (it could be - maybe there are a ton of socially responsible, emotionally mature people that want this stuff legalized too)... Should our society, our kids, and myself personally be at effect of people who abuse the legalization of this substance? Do we really want to make a gateway drug legal? Underage drinking is a rampant issue, as is drug use by high schoolers (they buy it from dealers, or - shy of that - raid parents medicine closets, sniff glue, etc)... do we really want to make it easier for kids to be using this stuff?

It's not like we're legalizing it in a way that kids would be introduced to it in a safe and sane way - it'd be illegal for people under 21 to possess it - we're just making it legal for the adults. In making it legal for the adults, and confining it to private areas (like the home), we're now potentially legalizing the exposing of all those little babies to the second hand smoke of marijuana.

How about those people who are in recovery? All those people in rehab/drug programs/etc who are trying to get their stuff together - do we want to make it harder for them? By making it harder for them, we make it harder (and more expensive) for ourselves as a society.

What about people who don't follow the new regulations, and don't contain it to their private quarters? With law enforcement already stretched its limits with emergencies and violent crime, laying people off left and right, I find it hard to believe that they'll be responding to calls that sound like, "Excuse me, there's a gentleman toking on the corner of 7th and A Street. What? No, he's not hurting anyone, but it's illegal and it offends my olfactory senses."

I don't see this being regulated anywhere near as well as people seem to think it's going to be.

And how about the unforseen medical expenses of health issues down the line? Who's covering those? I have a hard enough time already knowing that my tax dollars pay for people's medical expenses whose diseases are self inflicted (from smoking, overeating, drinking too much, etc)... I apologize for sounding insensitive, but I'd really rather not add one more thing to the list of ways people can harm themselves at my personal expense. Illness you didn't do anything to get? Sure, no problem! When you do it yourself? ...Idiotic and irresponsible.

I love a lot of things about California.

This is most definitely NOT one of them.

I really hope it doesn't pass.

No on Prop 19.

A Little Overwhelmed

You know... I'm married now.

It is strange, and a wonderful feeling.

It's really nothing that I could ever describe; there's so much going on in my head.

I am overwhelmed with emotion.

I regularly want to cry.

When I realize that I've promised to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. When he comes to bed after me because I go to sleep before him, and he drapes another comforter around my shoulders to keep me from getting cold in the middle of the night. When I wake up at two AM and find his arms still wrapped around me. When he tells me that he loves me, for no reason at all.

When I realize that people flew in from three different countries, and unknown numbers of states to be at our wedding. When I think about all of the feathers I found; when I think about the hawks playing and calling and blessing our ceremony. When I think of all the love and beauty that surrounds me, all of the people that turned out to show their support as W and I went from "he and I" to "us".

When I realize that - due to circumstances beyond anyone's control - a tab is running up against my savings until such circumstances get ironed out. (Eventually, that money will make it back in there, and until then, it's a balancing act of trying to know at what point do I say, "I cant run the tab any higher.")

Between the wedding, the moving, and legal fees associated with the move, W and I are absolutely stretched to our limits financially.

It feels awkward and vulnerable to put that out there, to acknowledge publicly and to the Universe, "Hey, I don't know how this is going to work out here. I don't know where to draw the line. I don't even know if there's a line to be drawn. I don't know that there's a 'right' answer, I don't know that there's a 'wrong' answer, I don't even know that there's an answer. I could use a little bit of clarity...maybe some relief here."

It feels a little bit sad; I miss my parents' house, and the security (or at least obliviousness) of being under someone else's roof. I miss my dog and my reptiles; I hope that the tanks I ordered are ready soon, so that I can move the scaly babies into the place that I am living in now.

The help comes in faith I guess. Remembering that life has always worked out - that the universe has always worked /for/ me, not against me. Remembering that somehow, the ends have always been kept together long enough to get them tied.

I am uncomfortable; I wish I could make that feeling go away, and I figure that the best I can do right now is to simply acknowledge it and know that this too shall pass.

It is Sunday, it is drizzly and gray; there is nothing to be done but enjoy the day.

The rent check is not due for another two weeks, doesn't need to be written for a week and a half. Things will be done before then, maybe bringing some clarity, some relief.

I saw my parents and my animals this morning, and I'll see them again in not too long I'm sure - they're really very close; I could literally walk over in less than an hour.

“The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers.” -Erich Fromm

A Collection Of Thoughts - Six Days To Go

Here I am, six days away from being locked into holy matrimony with my very best friend - you would think that, more than anything, I'd be a mess of excitement, nervousness, and anxiety about the upcoming nuptials. This is what I've been led to believe, anyway, through love songs and televisions series, and the various people peppering me with questions about the wedding and my emotional state upon approach.

The reality tends to be something less than expected (by myself, any ways); it's exhaustion (both physical - from burning the candle at both ends with planning and preparation and allergies, and mental - the stamina required to do wedding planning in nearly all of my down time for the past several months is incredible, and I'm about running on fumes at this point), anxiety (not about the wedding, but about moving out of my childhood home), childish anger, incompletion, and resentment toward partners from past relationships (one in particular), and a very deep seated calm (as if I am doing exactly what I were placed on this planet to do).

There are moments of excitement, some moments of nervousness (closer to a doubt, really), some rare moments of all of the above... and mostly, a forward look to the relief of being able to take a breather from this sort of activity once everything is done.

There's also the knowledge that this sort of thing (hopefully) comes once in a lifetime, and that it might be worth living all of it up - soaking in every moment of logistical nightmare, ex-hating, anxiety-ridden-packing, frenetic scurrying back and forth to make sure that we have everything we need for the big day...

There's a sort of humility in knowing that we're going to stand up there and declare to the Universe, "Forever!", and hope that the Universe nods and goes, "So it shall be." To hope that the both of us continue to place our relationship at the forefront, continue to build walls where there should be walls and windows where there should be windows, and not take our eyes off the blueprint of partnership and love.

There's a lot of books on marriage - how to keep one healthy, how to avoid damage, how to repair and rebuild... I don't see that stuff in wedding planning books. Maybe its because I'm not looking for it, maybe its because I'm looking in the wrong places, but I think that there are a lot of things that aren't addressed... There's an entire romance about weddings that - while necessary, and exciting, and - well, romantic - is detrimental I think, in the sense that people don't acknowledge that it's only a part of the story.

People don't talk about how to keep a family from crashing and burning when they don't like your chosen partner, they don't talk about the mental overload of details, they don't talk about maintaining stamina, or going into debt, or nearly going into debt, or the strain that can put on people. They don't talk about how to say no, or how not to lose yourself, or how not to live through your children; they don't talk about boundaries and space and time and how to be good to yourself as best as you can, or how much time planning will take and how to work that in on top of your already jam-packed schedule. They don't talk about meshing cultures as seamlessly as possible, or how to be okay with other people being angry at you while they process whatever it is that you're doing; they don't talk about how to stick to your guns without drawing them on someone. They don't talk about coping with your parents being angry, or unsupportive, and they don't talk about how to respect your child's wishes, and treat them like an adult in the truest sense of the word.

There's just a lot of things they don't talk about.

DIY Escort Cards: A lighthearted Tutorial, Part Two

Alright! The rest of this is pretty intuitively obvious, but something about making a tutorial that only takes you half way seemed a little silly to me. In case you're just now entering this, the first part of this tutorial can be found here:

http://littlepathfinder.blogspot.com/2010/09/diy-escort-cards-lighthearted-tutorial.html

Just as a reminder, for this part you will need (and I'm quoting here):

1) Pencil with eraser (I happened to have a fancy-shmancy mechanical [which has the added benefit of a nice 'gentle' eraser; VERY important that the eraser be clean, and easy on the paper], but as long as it's got both a point and an eraser, you're good)
2) Micron Pen (I'm using .25mm line width - for what I was drawing, this seemed to work best)
3) Permanent Markers (Again, what you need will really depend on what you are drawing. For my black I used a fine point Bic Mark It, and for the colors I used both Sharpie and Bic Mark Its, depending on what was available)
4) A good pair of Scissors
5) *OPTIONAL, but RECOMMENDED* A good sense of humor. If you're undertaking this particular task, there's probably something a little kooky about you anyway, but hey! You're about to sit down and draw who-knows-how-many little dinky place cards for people, and they probably wont even look twice at them. Remember this on hour three of repetitive lines, come up with some ludicrous remark, and keep on truckin'! :D

Now, ignoring the poor photo quality of the images found here, we're going to assume that you've printed up those glorious escort cards on the Card Stock Paper that you purchased, and it has left you something that looks about like this:



Take those scissors and cut your cards out - you should be left with something like so:



Then, verrrrrrry carefully fold it in half...



Very good! See, if you believe in yourself, amazing things are possible. ;) Now, grab your pencil and start lightly outlining whatever design you're going to put on the card. I went with feathers, since that's the theme for all of the escort cards - the ones for the Bride&Groom (that you're seeing here) are a little more involved than the others, but it's the same basic process. When you're done sketching, put down the pencil and look at the card.



If it looks the way you want it to, pick up the Micron Pen and start the outlining process (any thin black pen will work, but I HIGHLY recommend picking up a Micron; not only does it come in a variety of widths, but it works well on the paper and will save you a ton of time without having to worry about any inking problems that come from using a generic sort of pen). I personally also colored in any of the little detail areas with the micron pen, to avoid any potential fudge-ups or bleeding issues with the wider tip of the permanent marker.



Now, if you are using the same color for inking that you are for outlining, do yourself a favor and use a test sheet to make sure that your inks are compatible before you start coloring everything in - the last thing you want is for the marker to dry and have it be an obviously lighter or darker color than the supposedly 'same' color ink you used for the detail areas. Taking a few moments to do a test run will save you hours later if there's any noticeable difference by allowing you to see BEFORE you color in all of your cards. Assuming that you've done this test and everything looks good, after you're done drawing in the details, take your permanent marker and fill in the 'larger' inking portions.



Add any final details, and voila! You're done! :D

Note!

I will be completing the tutorial on escort cards as soon as the computer I am printing them from is up and running and available again. >.<

Also, for those of you interested in following my strictly herpetological adventures, check out my other blog:

http://ratsinthefreezer.blogspot.com

DIY Escort Cards: A lighthearted Tutorial, Part One

What the heck is an Escort Card?

It's that little paper doohickey that you set out for people so that they know where they're sitting.

Awesome! So this will tell me exactly how to do that, right?

Well, this will tell you one way to do that. My wedding is going to have a buffet, so I didn't worry about including anything more than their name and table number, and I went with making the foldable ones that look like little tents. So, if you follow this recipe without ANY modifications, you'll end up with a tented escort card, that has the person's name and table number on it.

Ready?

Excellent, let's begin with the technological part - that thing you do on the computer.

You will need:

For the computer portion:

1) Cardstock Paper
2) A printer that will print on Cardstock Paper (the first one I tried wouldn't - it was a little too thick)
3) MS Word, and a basic working knowledge of it (I'm using the 2010 Student/Home version - if you're using a different version, you'll have to figure the tables out for yourself)

For later:

4) Pencil with eraser (I happened to have a fancy-shmancy mechanical [which has the added benefit of a nice 'gentle' eraser; VERY important that the eraser be clean, and easy on the paper], but as long as it's got both a point and an eraser, you're good)
5) Micron Pen (I'm using .25mm line width - for what I was drawing, this seemed to work best)
6) Permanent Markers (Again, what you need will really depend on what you are drawing. For my black I used a fine point Bic Mark It, and for the colors I used both Sharpie and Bic Mark Its, depending on what was available)
7) A good pair of Scissors
8) *OPTIONAL, but RECOMMENDED* A good sense of humor. If you're undertaking this particular task, there's probably something a little kooky about you anyway, but hey! You're about to sit down and draw who-knows-how-many little dinky place cards for people, and they probably wont even look twice at them. Remember this on hour three of repetitive lines, come up with some ludicrous remark, and keep on truckin'! :D

Alright, let's begin. First, open up a blank document in MSWord. Because of the layout that I've chosen for my escort cards, which is wider and shorter (for pretty obvious stability reasoning), I'm going to go up to Layout and change the Orientation to Landscape.


Then I went and removed the margins (I'm not posting a picture of that, you can't read it anyway when its compressed to fit here), but you go to Page Layout > Margins > Custom Margins, then change Top/Bottom/Left/Right to zero inches, then hit "Okay".

You now have the basic page to start with. HOORAY!!! Pat yourself on the back. ;)

Next, decide approximately what size you want your escort cards to be. If it helps, take a piece of regular printer paper, put it on the table in the 'Landscape' position as seen above, and fold it to about the size you want - this should give you an idea how many columns you're going to have when you go to make the table (more on that later). Me personally, I went with the "What's it look like if I just fold it in thirds?" approach, (which gave me a width of approximately 3.67" per card-looked good to me!), and thus when we make the table later, it'll be 3 columns wide.

Then, you've gotta decide how tall you want them to be; remember, this is a tented card, so you're going to need double the space that you would for a flat card (ie: if you want a 2" tall card, you'll need 4", 2" for the front, 2" for the back). Again, I went with the "Huh, what's easily divisable into this size paper, remembering that I need both a front and back for my card?" and (with all of my mathematical genius) came up with 4. Okay, four divides into 8.5 and it comes out to... um... well... This gave me something just over 2" tall- looked fine to me, and it made it pretty easy.

I promise this will get less confusing later.

With me so far? Pick your approximate width and height, and - my personal recommendation here - be nice to yourself, so that you're not futzing with an extra .0976" that you can't figure out where it came from/where it went.

Okay?

ONWARD!

Go back to your document, Insert > Table > Insert Table.

HAH! Here's where those numbers come in. See that spot that says, "Number of Columns"? That means "How many wide do you want it?" I go back, see that I folded my paper in thirds, and enter the number "3" here.

Then, I go to the place that says, "Number of Rows", and I enter the number "4". But WAIT!!! THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I WILL FIT A NAME IN EACH OF THOSE ROWS! It's okay, take a deep breath. This means that - vertically - there will be TWO place cards per sheet. There are four rows because you need a front and back for each card. Bear with me here, I know it's hard. ;)

Then, BEFORE I HIT "okay", I click "AutoFit to Window". THEN I hit "okay".

This should bring up a table that leaves you going, "WTF IS THAT?" It's okay - it should look something like this:


Now, click on one of the boxes in the table, and put your mouse over it. This should bring up the image of a little square down by the lowest, right hand corner of the table.

Click that little gray square, and drag it all the way to the bottom of the document. This should stretch your table to the size of the paper, like such:


Okay, the hardest part is over. Now, LEAVE YOUR TOP ROW BLANK! Go down to the second row. Pick your font (I used "Baroque Script"), your positioning (I centered it&set it a few lines down from the top of the box), and start typing!

I shrunk it down so no creepers can read the names on mine via the internet (I don't know why they would, but hey, they're creepers), but basically, this is what the page should look like once you've got the information entered:


Once you have the first page done, you can either start all over on a new page, or do what I did - select the entire thing, hit "ctrl+c", then paste it and just replace the names.

For whatever reason, I had compatibility issues with the font that I selected (user error I'm sure), so what I had to do to print them was first save them as .doc, then save it as a .pdf - I did this by going to File > Save&Send > Create PDF/XPS Document. Then I printed up the .pdf and used that as my blank.

Print that up, and come back here when you're ready for drawin'!

More Later

Well, after 8 trips and two sets of proofs, the programs still have a minor glitch (they don't match the final proof, which leads us to believe that there is some sort of communication error between their computer and their printer or something) - except that they used up all my paper printing them up, and as such, these are the programs I'll be working with. I was too tired to argue when I picked them up, so W called them as soon as I got back to the house; they agreed to give me a full refund, so I'm only out the cost of the paper - I'd rather get that back too, but there isn't much they can do about it, since that was purchased through a third party (http://www.paperandmore.com - awesome deals on great paper, by the way).

Moving on.

Got those all completed and tied together and made pretty-pretty with the help of some very useful friends on Thursday night - 150 programs, all told. I'm really happy with the way they came out. Thanks guys! :D

W and I also completed our home made 'cake topper' - I'm not sure we're actually going to put it on the top of the cake, but if nothing else, we can have it sitting near us at the head table while we eat. Who knows. It was fun if nothing else.

In addition to the programs on Thursday night, my very-useful-friends assisted me in an emergency (voluntary/precautionary) evacuation of W and my new house. There was an enormous explosion only a few blocks away; homes were obliterated, lives were lost, and the area made international news. We are beyond grateful that our lives were not more dramatically impacted than an evening of disruption, fear, and uncertainty.

For me, the evening brought back flashes of a near-miss from my college years; an incident from which myself and three friends walked away only by some unattributed grace of the universe. For W, it spurred a reliving of his involvement with 9/11 - he was there when the planes struck; the smoke, the fire, the planes, the sirens, and having it happen as close to the date as it did...

W, B, W's dog, B's bird, and our friend Greg (who lives nearby) all ended up with me at my mom and dad's house for the evening.

Let's try this again...

Today, I would like to give an internet-worthy thank you to Gus, at FedEx Office, for his incredible patience and assistance as I attempted to get my programs printed up.

I originally thought that this would be a relatively simple endeavor; copy the file to a memory stick, take it in, and have them print it up. Long story short, first I forgot the card stock that I am having them cut and punch for the back, then I forgot the paper that I wanted them to use to print the programs on, then (for whatever reason) their MS Word was having compatibility issues with the font that I used, then we couldn't figure out how to save as a .PDF on my version of Word (it's different than theirs, and we did get it figured out), then we got it all printed up for the proof and I found a typo on my part, then we couldn't edit the .PDF that they had and of course this time I had left my computer at the house, and now... did I say long story short? My mistake. ;)

At the moment, we are waiting for them to complete the second proof, so that we can go check it out, and (hopefully, with a little luck) okay it for the rest of the productions.

That will have been six individual trips to and from FedEx Office since 1030 this morning.

I'm glad I bought extra paper.

Also, some random thoughts/advice about weddings:

1) I suggest that you choose a Maid/Matron of Honor that has either acted as MOH before, or been married. I know that mine has pulled my butt out of the fire on more than one occasion due to her previous experience, and, being that she's been married&knows how much goes into a wedding, she's also aware of just how much insanity is going on over at my end.

2) I also suggest that you decide what kind of wedding you want to have before you pick the date to have it. Although there have definitely been some exacerbating factors in our particular circumstance (unexpected move, for one), I think that picking the type of wedding and then looking at how much time it'd take us to put it together would probably have been a good idea.

3) When it comes to getting things done, underestimate yourself. Early on in planning, it can be tempting to take on a lot of things that - as the wedding date approaches - you wish you had left yourself more time for. Assume that whatever you need to get done will take roughly 3.5x longer to get it done than you think. (This also allows for things like having to spend an entire day running back and forth to FedEx without causing undue stress.)

4) RSVP's will surprise you; whether it's someone being completely unreachable about whether they're going to show, or having 95% of your guest list say 'Yes! I'll be there!' (both of which occurred for us), just know that you're probably going to be surprised by people.

5a) Know that everything wedding related is going to be ridiculously more expensive than you thought it was going to be. Look around for deals (amazon.com has some real steals, and vistaprint.com does as well), or expect to get hosed, or both.

5b) Lowball your budget. W and I set our 'budget' for the wedding nice and low, and that way, when we blew it in the stuff we weren't expecting, we didn't have a frickin' coronary. For example - when I was looking at gifts for the wedding party, I forgot that I'd also need to purchase wrapping paper and tissue paper and thank-you cards. Or how about the programs? Paper costs, backing costs, ribbon costs, printing costs, cutting costs, collating costs, drilling costs, plus tax. Gifts for the guests? Oh man, those went up in price since I looked at them last week! You get the idea...

6) On the topic of gifts for guests: My number one eye-rolling moment at most weddings is when the gift is something like a picture frame that has the bride&groom's name or wedding date on it. Or a champagne flute with their names, or... well, pretty much anything with their names on it. It's an awesome thought, and I get the idea (I'm supposed to think about you guys every time I use it, right?) - and know that if it has your name on it, I'm highly unlikely to use it. If I am a guest at your wedding, give me something themed (W and I are having a traditional Native American ceremony, we're giving out dream catchers) or practical (I just went to an outdoor wedding where they had fans on each person's seat), or both.

I think that's enough for now. More later.

More DIY

The 'finished' (outside is done) product from yesterday, as I decided to do it:Didn't want it to be too flashy or distracting, since the bridesmaids and groomsmen will be holding them while they stand up at the front with us, but also didn't want it to be too 'plain' looking either. W and I also sat down and rolled about 150 place setting yesterday - tying in the four sacred colors a little further, and making the plastic silverware look a little more 'formal'. W was having a little trouble with the DIY part. We have two separate sets of colors for the wedding - turquoise, lavender, and black for the people in the ceremony, and black, yellow, red, and white for the four sacred colors to bless those people. This has produced some interesting complexities in how to work it all in without everything becoming 'too much'. I have no idea whether it's going to work or not, but hey, we'll have given it our best!

39 days 'til go time.

License & DIY Booklets

W and I went down and got our marriage license today; 40 more days until the wedding. I didn't change my name when we did it - I hadn't really given it much thought - I guess I'll go back later and change it, and just sign the way I want to be known until then.

Got a lot of other stuff done today as well, and I got started on some DIY stuff for the wedding as well (go me!). During the ceremony, the bridesmaids and groomsmen will have speaking roles; in order to make this easier for everyone, I decided to make little booklets that they can carry so that they don't have to worry about memorizing their lines. They're super simple, and very basic looking (so that they aren't holding something super flashy and distracting), but you can also easily dress them up any way you like once they're done. Please excuse the lame cell-phone photos.
I started by purchasing card stock in the colors of our groomsmen and bridesmaids' clothing (my bridesmaids will be black&turquoise, the groomsmen black&lavender). I also purchased corresponding ribbon (not pictured here).
My card stock was a little bigger than I wanted it to be (I found the colors I wanted in 12"x12" sheets), so I started by cutting them down to the size and shape that I wanted (8.5"x11").Then I folded them in half...Then, I took the ribbon that I had purchased (1/8" width, 10 yards per roll, for .50 cents a roll at Michaels), chose the alternate colors (purple and black for the blue programs, blue and black for the purple programs), wrapped them around the binding and tied a little bow. The ribbon is fun to move around - you can slide the bow up or down, depending what look you prefer. I liked having it more toward the front, and semi-centered; it's really all about what looks best to your own eye.That's the final product, as far as the basic layout goes. I'm going to also put a little photo of W and I on the cover, with a little 'thank you' note on the back (of the photo) to add a more personal touch to the otherwise blank outside. Easy, inexpensive, and fully functional!

Quick Update (revised)

The past few months have been absolutely incredible, in a lot of ways. W and I found out that (through no fault of our own) we would have to move out of the house that we thought would be paid off by the end of the year; we had to find a new house, get W and B all moved, continue to pay on the old house while also paying on the new one... we've (in no particular order) had a yard sale, seen my brother leave to go back to Chicago, celebrated my brother's 21st birthday, celebrated my 24th birthday, sold nine geckos (hopefully that'll bump up to ten tonight), injured my back&W's knees, had friends in from New York, celebrated another friend's wedding, continued to work on wedding planning, continue to balance in time with our family and our usual commitments, and - next weekend - I have my bridal shower. Life has been absolutely jam-packed.

I am incredibly frickin' proud of my fiance and myself. Life has definitely thrown us some curve balls in the past few months, and the two of us have - remarkably - sent them out of the park. If building a life with someone means being able to step up to the plate together, no matter what is coming at you, I think the two of us are going to do pretty a-okay. It feels good to be part of a team that's building something.

I thank whatever is out there for the continued abundance in my life; my loving family, my incredible friends, and, somehow, always having the money where we need it at the time.

The other day I ordered W's wedding band - it's going to look like this:
It is an engraving of the Taos pueblo (...I believe - either that or Acoma), and it represents the closeness and endurance of home, the joy and presence of harmonious family life. I really like it, and I'm happy that he picked it out so that I could get it ordered. I feel a lot better when I'm in action on the wedding stuff. (...I feel better when I'm in action, in general.)

I've also had a LOT of help on the wedding front from a friend of mine - she just recently got married, and she's pointed me in the direction of a lot of excellent deals that I hadn't found. If you want some really cool DIY projects for a wedding, check out her blog at: http://cognitivefragments.blogspot.com/

My MOH has been putting together some freakin' awesome stuff for the bridal shower coming up, too - makes me really relieved that no one has asked me to be their MOH yet, I would have had no idea what I was doing. You can check out her blog at: http://candidpets.blogspot.com/

Another One Bites The Dust...

In just under 36 hours, I will be turning 24 years of age (as marked by rotations around the sun, not mental or emotional maturity, or counting those 9 months I spent developing in the womb). It's definitely rewarding to me to look bck at the past few years, and see that my exit from college and subsequent entry into the 'real world' marked not the ending of growth, but the beginning of an almost entirely new kind.

I entered 21 with a college degree, a black belt, and a bar tending license. I had no (paying) job, was single (with the exception of an off-again-on-again-who-knows-what), no credit, and self-imposed social-awkwardness. It was during this year that I got a (paying) job, a (real) boyfriend, and came to the conclusion that - whatever it took - I was going to get myself some footing.

At 22, I obtained a credit card, started a new career (teaching), and began the incredibly-arduous-and-ultimately-rewarding task of 'being a better human'. (Although rather amorphous sounding, this basically means taking responsibility for my actions, cleaning up all the sh*t I had left in my past, and continuing to do so on an ongoing basis.) I quit consuming alcohol (I actually did that a few days before my 22nd birthday, but made the conscious decision a few days after), cut wayyyyyy back on the red meat, and all but abolished sugar. I slept more, ate healthier, let my body start to heal from the abuse it had suffered at the hands of my diet/martial arts/sleep habits. I began to say 'yes' to social gatherings, and started on the road toward self-confidence.

Over the course of this 23rd year... well. I've stuck to that path; I've continued to work on my interactions with others, and on my interactions with myself. I'm wayyyyy more confident than I ever was prior; dresses don't scare me, formal events are a cake walk, and I'm learning how to stand up for myself in a non-retaliatory manner. I've worked on my relationship with my family, my relationship with my (now) fiance (he proposed this year), and my relationship with myself. I've become more like a gentle guardian, rather than so much of a sadistic slave driver jerk toward myself. W and I are renting a house together - our names being the ones on the lease - obtained with my credit score as the primary. I am paying rent in two places (my home with him, and my parent's house, where I'll be staying until the wedding), working full time, organizing the wedding, continuing to own and breed my reptiles, and 'partying harder' than I ever did in college. I've stuck to my diet (Two years, no beers! Woo!) - avoided most of the stuff that's bad for me, and I'm getting better at keeping away from gluten or mixing my protein and carbs. I'm laughing more, crying less, and it isn't that the circumstances have gotten any easier. It's been an incredible year; I've learned and grown a lot, and I love that I'm starting to really see the rewards of the work that I've been doing. Thank you, 23, and may 24 be every bit as blessed.

Sometimes, I don't like being a Teacher.

Another school year 'over' - we're full time around here, operating year round, so when I go back on Monday, we'll start up again - and man, am I tired.

It makes me wonder how many people actually consider the emotional turmoil that teachers can go through at the end of the year. I know I certainly didn't before I was working as one.

These are kids that I spend eight hours a day with, five days a week - tying their shoes, icing their owwies, zipping their jackets, and holding them while they wait for their mom and they're sick with a fever of 103 degrees. I do the best I can to give them the best possible start on the world. They spend about a year in my class, and then - even when they move to the next level - I still see them all day (okay, so only 7 out of eight hours), every day, because of the nature of the program that we run.

On average, I spend two years with each kid (from years 3 to 5), and then they disappear off into the world to try to make sense of it with someone else.

It isn't like high school or grade school, where you remember the teachers that made a difference; it isn't like college, where you might write a letter to an old professor to tell them thank you. This is before all of that.

Before most people can even really remember.

The truth is, I miss my kids. I miss them before they're gone - while they're asking questions about kindergarten, and I've got to pretend that I'm so happy for them when really, I want to cry. I miss them when I go on vacation, or when I'm at breakfast with my family and there's a little one blinking at me across the restaurant, or when someone I've just met asks me what I do for work.

I spend all day thinking about the errands I need to run, and what I could be doing if I had the day off, and then I come home and blog about how much I miss my kids.

Its the 'end' of the school year, and I love to watch them grow up; now it's time to send them off into the world and hope that I've given them something useful, and it's really, really hard.

It's hard every year.

I asked another teacher about this, and my dad as well, and they both gave me the same answer about why it's so hard to let them go. They said, "Because you care."

I guess best thing that could ever happen then is that it never gets easier.

"I Keep Dead Rats In The Freezer" Entry #1

Living in close quarters with animals will teach you nothing if not patience. As it currently stands (after a few unexpected losses, and downsizing for the move), I share my bedroom with three Ball Pythons, sixteen Crested Geckos, and one Leopard Gecko. One can only imagine what the room has looked like over the past sixteen years, constantly transforming to accommodate yet another tank when, just after adding the last one, I swore to myself that there was 'absolutely, positively, no more room.'
A light sleeper in general, I have (over time) become much more adept at continuing to snooze straight through the various bumps, thumps, rustles, clicks, chirps, thunks, and other assorted noises in the night. The one thing I have not adjusted to is... snake pee. (Henceforth referred to by its scientific name, 'urates'.)
Currently, my bed is lofted six feet into the air to allow myself some actual living storage space; all said and done, I use the area under my bed for supplies and clothing, and sleep roughly 18" from the ceiling. Sleeping quarters are cramped, with poor air circulation and heat issues - or, as I call it, "cozy".
It is not quite so 'cozy' at two o'clock in the morning, when I have suddenly come from REM sleep to full consciousness at lightning speed, only to discover that my sinuses and lungs are ON FIRE and I can barely breathe.
Between the nocturnal nature of the animals I keep, the natural out-gassing of waste products, and the very poor circulation of air around my head at night, I regularly find myself waking up in just such a manner. There's no polite way to say it - urates STINKS. It is, basically, a waste form of ammonia; ammonia, as you may or may not know, is the main ingredient in smelling salts. It has become no real surprise to the rest of my family to discover me up and scrubbing tanks in my boxer shorts at three a.m., or crashed on the futon in the living room for the night with my bedroom window open until the area becomes 'livable' again. (It also helps explain why all of the animals are in my room - it's tough to make an argument for having any part of the rest of the house smell like that. Maybe we could keep them in the bathroom?)
It also makes it obvious that the only people who keep animals like that are people that love them.
I have heard many people exclaim, "Oh, isn't it darling!" about a newborn baby - and maybe, to some, it is; wrinkly, purple, crying and screaming and smelling of sour-milk-y vomit... Adorable. For the most part, though, I think there's something about that statement that rings most true for the mother and father; the ones that have been up all night feeding it, changing its diapers, burping it, and singing it back to sleep as best as they can - the ones that changed their lives to have it in their homes.
That's how it is for me with my reptiles; where many people look at them and see a scaly representation of evil itself (which is sometimes how I view newborns, so I'll call it an even trade), I see my own version of a kid - the thing I've worked my life around to keep.

"...A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise." -ShitMyDadSays (https://twitter.com/shitmydadsays)

I've got to say, the thing I least expected about getting married has got to be how much I've been thinking bout my ex. I'm not even sure that I've been about my ex, per se - it's more like I've been replaying bits of the relationship over inside my head for some strange, unknown reason; I've been excruciatingly mad at him and horrendously disappointed in myself, I've missed the friendship we shared and mortified at the people we were with each other toward the end. I think a lot about how it ended, and what happened between the start and the finish that had things go so horribly, horribly awry the way they did. There are a lot of things that I could say about the person he was, and the person I was, during that entire period of our lives - the great many of them not nice things. There were a lot of things I couldn't see, despite having people beat me over the head with them. There were a lot of things I wouldn't see, too. I guess, maybe, that what I'm hoping is that I've learned a hell of a lot enough since then.

I don't want what happened to my ex and I to ever happen between me and W. I know that I've learned a ton. I know that I've changed dramatically. I know that things between my ex and I were never like they are between me and W. I know now how to stand my ground; how to respect myself, and how to respect others. I know now to be honest, open minded, willing to be vulnerable. I know now that I am a person worthy of loving, and of being loved. I know now not to build walls where windows should be, and that being in a relationship requires the effort of both parties involved.

I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I hadn't received mixed reviews about my getting married to this guy; my parents have been alternatively supportive and concerned - they love W, they love the way I am with him, and at the same time, they don't always see where we are coming from. They've said, "I think you're making a mistake," in the same way their parents did 31 years ago when the two of them got married. 31 years ago, my dad and my mom eloped - one Jew and one Christian, and two families that liked each other, but definitely did not think the two of them should wed. One of my grandparents gave them, "Two years, max."

I often sit down to write these things (the blogs) to work out some sort of internal confusion about what's going on in my life, to figure out why things are happening the way they are, or why I'm behaving the way that I am. I think I've been thinking a lot about the relationship I had with my ex because when they say, "I think you're making a mistake," I hope that it's the kind of 'mistake' they made 31 years ago - the kind of 'mistake' that was exactly the right thing for the both of them. The kind of 'mistake' you make out of humanity and love and hope and trust, out of the willingness to work hard (because you know you will), and to experience both highs and lows (because you know there will be both, no matter what either of you does) - not the 'mistake' you make because life hasn't taught you how to love yourself yet.

I have a lot of hope for the life that I'm starting with my fiance; I have a lot of faith in us, and in our Higher Power, and in the partnership that we're building together. I have a lot of fears, too - most of them around myself, and whether I'm going to be able to be the person I need to be. I guess that's where I've got to look for a little more faith in myself.

I read once a conversation that went, "Is this normal? Are all bride-to-be's this nervous before they get married?" To which the grandmother replied, "Only the ones that are thinking."

I'll take it as a good sign that I'm thinking.

Feeling Young Again

When it comes to memories of my childhood, nothing seems more suiting than the rides on my bicycle on a hot summer day. I would toss on my bathing suit and a pair of jeans (it was as close as I could get to going topless, with the sun beating down on me), grab that well worn work-horse, and blaze down from the top of the hill, stop signs be damned. Other kids could ride their bikes, but when I climbed on mine, I'll swear those wheels grew wings.

The summer that I turned 12, I spent more time along the roads between The Reptile Store (not officially titled, but so named in every conversation I've had since discovered) and my home than I can remember spending on any road since. I would pedal until my legs went numb and my lungs would ache, arrive sweaty and grinning; independent, surrounded by lizards, and utterly, completely, free.

I did nothing of real consequence; I bagged crickets, rang up customers, stacked aspen, harassed the animals... I'm sure that I had plenty that was bothering me (I was twelve years old, what preteen doesnt?) but really, what I remember most, was being happy.

I started this post to talk about my bike; these days I have a newer model - still black, neon green, and entirely 'too' masculine for a lady as small as I am. It weighs 33 lbs - literally a third of my weight - is designed to be used on the mountains and not - as I most frequently use it - on the streets. I started with the intent to talk about my bike, and when I started talking about my bike, my memories spun out on me - I was back at the reptile store; carefree, awkward, 'independent' in the way only a 12 year old with a summer job can feel... I was laughing with Sean (all knees and elbows then, a drop dead gorgeous man these days), sitting on the counter above the pair of water monitors, antagonizing a rattlesnake in the attic... I thought I started this post to talk about my bike, and as it turns out, that wasn't what I wanted to talk about at all.

I started this post to return to freedom; that place that always exists, and we forget how to touch.

I rode my bike tonight; I went for a jog this morning. I brought my snake with me to work, and I had breakfast with my family before we went our separate ways. I sat in the sun on my lunch break, I read about forgiveness, and - for the most part - I brought myself back to the summer of 12; I brought the summer of 12 back to me.

What brings you to 'free'?

...What was I saying?

It's been an emotional few weeks; my kids are getting ready to graduate, W and I are both approaching personal anniversaries that we tend to get squirrelly around, we've been (unexpectedly) house hunting (W has to be out of the old place by Sept. 1st), B is still going in for treatment and doesn't understand why we have to move, and - on top of the rest of it - the two of us are still putting things together and planning for the wedding.

Everyone seems to make a big deal about how hard it is to plan a wedding, and how taxing it is to try to manage everything... I agree halfway. I agree that it can be taxing - in some cases there can be a TON of opinions, a TON of family drama, and (in all of them I would think) a TON of details. As for the level of difficulty, though... I assign that mostly to the emotional aspect of such an incredible life change, not the actual planning of the wedding.

Last night, as posted, W and I signed for a place (thank God) - now we're just finalizing the details of rent and utilities and who is paying what.

...I don't remember where I was going with any of this. Maybe I'll finish it later.

New Home

Well, I am now officially renting a home. Actually, W and I are now renting a home. It's a little three bedroom, two bath place - kinda cute. It's not 'everything I've always wanted and more', but it's definitely a good start. My favorite part is the area around it - this is the view from the back yard:

And, literally across the street from our front porch:
It's kind of funny, in a way; while I'm feeling very strange about moving out of the house that I'm in now - it's the house I grew up in - I was walking around the back yard of the new house today and stumbled upon this little creature:The one thing that frustrated me about the house I grew up in was that there was never any wildlife in our back yard to speak of. Now? We have (at least) lizards. We're also within walking distance of a nice 'wilderness' area with trails and the like.

Go us. :)

Wedding Stuff

Preview

Freedom is more than liberties, it is a state of mind; it is the deep seated sense of serenity, peace, and faith that comes from living toward a greater good. Happy fourth, everyone. Thank you, my ancestors.

Spent yesterday picking up stuff for my bridesmaids. While they'll all have black heels for the ceremony, for the reception we're switching them into 'vivid blue' Chuck Taylors for comfort (and style! ;))A week and a half ago, I ordered everyone's shoes - apparently the shipping center sent one pair in the wrong color (so we reordered it and we're waiting for that one), and then the size list got lost - soooo, I'm hoping that we have everyone's shoes in the appropriate size. If not, well, at least they'll be a size too big rather than a size too small? Oh details, details...

I also ordered their necklaces:And their earrings:

I also ordered a few things for myself, to try on with the dress (which, yes, I realize there are no pictures of yet... patience, patience...).

These are the necklaces:


And here are the earrings:

Both the necklaces and the earrings were ordered through an Ebay seller - Beadscorner - and are Native style, though not necessarily Native made. Their prices were exceptional; more on quality when they arrive.

We also went and got the wallet-sized photos to drop into our invitations, and the custom guest book that I ordered arrived yesterday. I ordered it through Picaboo, and I really could not be happier; the only issue I have is that one of the pictures came out a little lower quality than I would have liked, but that's my own fault for not having a larger/higher resolution photo on that page - they warned me that it might come out that way. Either way, it's still leaps and bounds ahead of the sterility of the traditional ones I've seen; they always make me feel like I'm signing in and out of a hospital.

I hope it's big enough.