Well...That Was Interesting

When I was a kid - maybe seven or eight years old, could have been a little older or a little younger - my parents got involved with some 'transformational' work; sort of like life coaching, but on a group level. They're still involved with this, and over the course of the time that they've been involved with it, it's made an incredible (positive) difference in the quality of their lives, and in my own.

It's a field that offers an incredible range of tools, and there's something in it for everyone. I'm not really sure how it works, only that it's one of those things that - if you put your all into it - you will get something amazing back.

I've never been particularly adept at describing the remarkable things that people get out of it and discover for themselves, so I'm not really going to try - it's not necessary here - I'll leave it that I've never seen anyone walk away from one of the weekends without something that they can take and put into use.

I've done a number of their courses; one of them I did on at least three occasions (I think it was actually four or five) as a kid, and two other ones as a teen/adult. Every time, I threw myself into them; I never did a half-assed job on any of the work.

It's also a program that I continue to have a remarkable resistance to registering into. Every time I'm approached with it, a number of conversations come up. Some of them are issues I've had with the old format of registration, some of them are more personal.

I remember having it 'pushed' for a long time and my natural rebellious streak kicks in - having done it before, though, I know that they've provided some amazing tools for me in my life; that's a relatively 'easy' conversation to dismiss.

I remember the childhood feeling of having my parents be gone on weekends, that fear of abandonment and anger - again, I can recognize it and move around it with relative alacrity.

I remember the feeling, both as a child and an adult (completely unrelated to any of this work) that there was something wrong with me; that I was somehow different, broken. I remember feeling separate from people, unable to connect, 'unlovable', 'not good enough'.

I remember my parents suggesting the work to me, knowing that it makes a huge difference for people.

I remember feeling like maybe if I did enough of the work, that I would be 'fixed'. I remember walking away with an amazing amount of tools, a lot of things that were very helpful, a brand new lease on life... And still feeling isolated, different and broken in a lot of ways. (I've since found a way of living that has alleviated that.) I remember - in continuing to feel 'broken' in the weeks following the courses - the feelings of disappointment, let down, and of being deceived.

I remember my friends rolling their eyes at me, and being made fun of for taking part in those courses.

That last one is still particularly painful.

I didn't even know that I was carrying those last two around until my dad offered me a registration into a course that's coming up that would be paid for, half the length of the typical course, and much more workable hours (in other words, the 'usual' turn-offs were already managed) - and I still had a whole bunch of stuff come up.

Whether or not I registered, I figured it was definitely worth taking a look at what was being triggered.

Either way, it was a nice reminder to take a look at the tools I have and - well, maybe /use/ them with a little more frequency. ;)