"From The Day You Were Born"

Alright - I've been commissioned to write and illustrate a story as a gift for someone who is going to be giving birth to their first child soon.  I really had no idea what to do, and the only prerequisite for starters was something that they could read to them, and - hopefully - continue to read to them as they got older.  She hasn't seen this yet, so I don't know if they're going to like it or not (not to mention that anything that has 'Creator' in it can be really hit or miss), and, either way, I like it a great deal.  It's not a 'rough draft', and if you have suggestions, I am open to commentary as to how to develop it a bit more.  Otherwise, just enjoy. :)

From The Day You Were Born
By K.K.Faulkins (that's me :))

“Grandpa, how do I learn how to be brave?”

“The same way your mother and father and learned, and your grandmother and I before them.”

“How’s that?”

He motioned me over, sitting down and leaning back, enjoying the warm summer sun across his face.

“Come, sit, I’ll tell you the story. “

--

“There are many ways that we learn to be brave… When we sit through the thunder, when we wait out the rain… Sometimes we learn by watching others, like the lizard, patiently re-growing his tail.  But, on the day you were born, that is when your mother and father began to learn how to be bravest of all.”

“What do you mean, grandpa?”

“On the day you were born, you were very, very small; so small that you could not raise your head even to look around.  The world is a wide, wide place, and yet there you were, safe and quiet and peaceful in your parents’ arms.

On the day you were born, you were not afraid.  You began to help your parents remember.”

“Remember what, grandpa?”

“At the moment that each of us comes into this world, too young to see as we see today, to speak as we do in our language – before we are able to do any of the things that we do as we grow, we know in our hearts all of the things that we will need.  When we are infants, we love fully, we trust will all of our hearts, we have bravery, and strength, and courage, fortitude, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and peace.  We know the care of the world around us, and we hold on to the truth of it as we begin our journey.  It is as we grow older that so many of us may begin to forget.”

“But why do we forget that, Grandpa?  Why can’t we just have them, always?”

My grandpa took a stick in his hand, smiling softly as he drew a hoop in the dirt.

“If I were to draw a line through a piece of this circle, would that line mark the beginning, or the end?”

“…Both.”

He nodded.

“When the seasons come on our Earth, what happens?”

“They change… Winter with the snow and storms, then Spring with the thaw and flowers, Summer with the sun, and then Fall, with the wind and colored leaves.”

“And then?”

“Then it’s going to be Winter again.”

“Exactly.  Our lives are like this too.”

He drew three more lines, spaced evenly around the circle.

“First, we are young. Then, we are grown. Then, we reach middle age. And then, we are elders.”

“Yes, but why must we forget the things, when we are born with knowing?”

“We’ll get there, young one, we’ll get there.  Each hoop of life is more than just a curved line.  Each year is its own separate circle of learning – our own Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter – and each time we conclude, we move forward.  We forget what we are born with, not only so that we can move along our own hoop, but to help others move along theirs.”

“I don’t understand, Grandpa.”

“When your mother was born, and I held her for the first time, I took a step along in learning just how deeply I am able to love.  As she grew older, and it was time for her to walk, I had to grow as well, and let her stumble.  There were times when she was angry with me, and I had to be able to look at my actions – was I choosing boundaries for her out of fear of letting go, or out of love? There were many times where I had to learn to forgive myself, and trust that so long as I was putting my actions into the hands of the Creator, that things are exactly as they should be. I have raised her with your Grandmother, and she has grown into a wonderful woman, and I thank the Creator every day for the gift that she is in my life, just as your parents give thanks for you. We have each been helped along our journey not only by our elders, but by those who come after us.  I have remembered how to love while letting go, and that has been the greatest lesson in bravery of all. You are already brave, little one, you must only remember that you are.”

Why I Paid My Medical Bill In 40,000+ Pennies - The Result

PART TWO: THE RESULT

Now, hauling around pennies can be... less than visually dramatic.  When the bank manager came wheeling it out (he stacked $200.00 at a time on an office chair and pushed it over toward the doorway), I was, quite frankly, underwhelmed.  Here in my head I had imagined containers at least the size of shoe boxes, not things somewhere around half of that.  When I'd finished stacking them up, they didn't even come to the top of my dolly.

THANK GOODNESS.

Now, I'm not a big person, but I am surprisingly strong.

Even with that, I needed assistance to get the dolly tilted so that I'd be able to pull it to the van.

It wasn't until later that I did the math and found out exactly how much I was moving; when I did, I felt like distinctly less of a 'weakling'.  I weigh just under 100 lbs.  The pennies on the dolly? Approximately 225 lbs.

(HEE HEE HEE!!! ...What in the world are they going to do with all of those PENNIES?! ...Okay. Back to being an adult about this...)

After confirming the location of the Business Office (which was where I was told to take my cash payment), I went back out to the car to get the payment. (I'm very glad that I went and checked - they sent me on a wild goose chase around the hospital to find it - there's no way I would have been able to haul the pennies all that distance without completely exhausting myself.)  By the time I had lugged them inside, I was winded, and my heart was pounding.

I was, in addition to well exercised, definitely nervous.  What if they called security? What if they didn't listen to the legal code? What if they raised their voices? What if this didn't go as planned? What if someone called the police?  I am an expert worrier, and when faced with even the vaguest confrontation, I tend to be moved to inaction - that is, I freeze.

I'm the sort of person that has to write down their points before an argument, or else just stand their with their mouth drifting open as the other person tramples them.

That said, I have lots of practice at knowing this about myself, and have a tendency to come prepared.  My pocket crinkled - in it I had a copy of my original receipt with a $0.00, and a print up of the Snopes.com bit explaining that legally, I was allowed to pay like this.

I also had  my husband (looking decidedly official and no-nonsense) standing behind me, the video camera on his phone recording the exchange.

We certainly got plenty of looks, both from employees and patrons - some smiling discreetly in an attempt to hide their laughter, some gawking openly, some annoyed and uninformed.  Don't worry, disgruntled customers, I'm standing up for your rights, too!  I was postured at by security, who stopped to make radio calls as I entered the building, before another one approached, eyed up my cargo as he waited for me to explain myself (I didn't - they said nothing, so neither did I), rattled some numbers into his walkie-talkie and stalked off.

At the window, as I went to pay, the exchange sounded something like this.

"Hi, I'm here to make a payment."

"Alright. What are those, pennies?"

"Yeah, you guys take cash, right?"

"Hold on a moment, let me go get someone..."

She returned a moment later with a supervisor - the gentleman I'd spoken with on the phone earlier about taking a cash payment.

After a prolonged exchange about whether I had filed a grievance, who I had spoken to, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I figured it might be time to remind him of his rights as well.

"You're welcome to decline the payment, you're not legally obligated to take it - I can wheel it out of here, I'll just need a written statement that you've declined it and waived the payment."

According to what I learned, the companies are not legally required to accept your payment, however, if they do not, it waives their right to collect since you have attempted to pay, so make sure you get it in writing.  Could have been a win-win.

"...I'm not authorized to waive your payment."

Well, no win-win there. Ah well.

"Alright.  Well, I'll need my boxes back."

THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. THUNK.

On to the counter they go.

Sixteen boxes later...

"Alright, that's $400... Hold on..."

$4.85 cents in loose change (which I helped him sort and count), and a $0.15 card payment.

I have to give it to the gentleman who received the pennies - Rey - while his frustration was obvious (I'm not sure whether it was the clenched jaw, or the sheen of perspiration which was more telling) he handled the entire thing with a great deal of grace.

Apparently, however, he didn't realize how heavy pennies are either.  When I reminded him that I would need the containers that the coins came in back, he grabbed the closest box, set it on his rolling chair, and started dumping the rolls in there.

As he's hitting the $200 mark, and the box is brimming full, I leaned over toward Wolf.

"...I don't think he's thought about this..."

Not only was he unable to safely lift the now-full box up off his chair, but if they try to move it with a partner, the box that they have the coins in is going to rip right open across the bottom - it was definitely not constructed to be holding that much weight.

Two inappropriate boxes (and subsequent rolling chairs) later, I got my receipt.

To anyone I may have inconvenienced today - I'm sorry if my activism disrupted your flow.  That said, it is the point of activism to garner attention, to create a situation which is cause for people to stop and consider what is actually going on.  I hope that somewhere in this exchange, beyond being irritated, someone in that room heard what it was that I said when Rey asked me why I was doing this.

"I am tired of being stepped on. I am tired of being pushed aside. I am tired of being treated like dirt simply because I am the lowest rung on the ladder.  When a company claims to provide a service, I expect, as the customer, to be served.  My business is a commodity, and your actions affect my life.  I am a human being, your customers are human beings, and it's time that we began acting like it."

Why I Paid My Medical Bill With 40,000+ Pennies

PART ONE - REASONING AND LOGISTICS

$400.00 is a lot of pennies.  It is, actually, 40,000 pennies.  (For those of you not up on math, that's a lot of pennies.)

At approximately $1.81, or 181 pennies, to a pound (http://www.parkpennies.com/penny/penny.htm), that comes out to 223.75 lbs worth of pennies, not counting the weight of the boxes and rolls that they come in.

When you're obtaining them, they're inconvenient to acquire and transport (freakin' heavy!) and, subsequently, count, securely hold, transport, and turn-in if you are on the receiving end.  People stare at you, security guards stand around and repeat codes into their walkie-talkies, and the person at the cashier's desk calls their supervisor who then tries everything they possibly can to get you to leave without a waiver while still dragging your pennies back out the door with you.

So, why then, if it's really all that hassle, would a neurotic confrontation-phobic person like me, do such a thing?

In short? Because as an American citizen I have the right, and in this case, the duty of exercising peaceful protest.

The full story?

Back in October, I went for a medical procedure at an unnamed medical facility - we'll call them Kan't-Kount-ser.  While I have always had excellent service from the doctors, nurses, and other medical staff, I have in the past had abysmal service from their billing department.  As such, I called beforehand to get an estimate of the cost.  I received my estimate for $379, went in, and went to pay up front.  I was told that the service was apparently covered, and received a receipt for a $0.00 balance.  A few weeks later, after the procedure, I received a bill for $405.  I called in, wishing to file a grievance, was told to wait for the paperwork, and did so.  I was not sent the paperwork, instead, a generic grievance was filed for me, and I received notification that I would have to have paperwork turned in and received by a particular date (only a few days from receiving this notice in the mail) in order for it to be considered.

This is what I sent them.

"On August 31, 2011, I (my name) visited the South San Francisco (removed) Medical Center to see my neurologist, and was referred to have an EEG run.  Having had previous issues with the (removed) billing system and having received misinformation prior, I this time placed a call in to (removed) Member Services (1-800-464-4000) and was directed to speak with a deductible plan service representative to ascertain that I received the correct information for my personal medical coverage.  On September 7, 2011, at 6:25 PM, I spent several minutes on the phone and spoke to a gentleman who – given my name, birthdate, and medical record number –  informed me that with my coverage, my personally incurred cost for having an EEG run would come to a total of $379.00.

On the morning of October 18, 2011, I reported to the South San Francisco (removed) Medical Center facility, and was directed to the appropriate area for check in – the check in station near the actual EEG room was closed, and as such I was directed to the check in station to the left of the elevators (as you exit them).  When I checked in at this station, I told the lady at the desk that if possible, I would like to pay for the scan up front (given my past experience with billing).  She said that this would be fine, entered something into the computer, and then the lady told me that there would be no charge, and that the visit and scan would come to a $0.00 balance.  Indeed, when she printed up my and handed me my copy, the balance came to $0.00.  While I was much surprised, I said thank you, and proceeded to have my EEG run.

Today, November 5, 2011, I received a bill in the mail for $405.00.

I have now been given three completely different amounts, by three different (removed) employees (all of whom  would presumably have access to the amount owed), and the one that is on the billing statement that I received is higher than even the original amount that I was quoted by one of your own representatives working in the department.

This is the second consecutive time in which I have received significantly higher charges after a medical procedure than I was quoted beforehand, after I have gone above and beyond in practicing due diligence in attempting to ascertain the accurate cost of the procedure significantly prior to the date of said procedure.  In both cases, (removed) employees are the ones who have provided me with misinformation which has affected not only the services I elected to have, but also caused emotional distress, disturbance in my life by requiring that I spend time and energy to correct someone else’s mistake, and disrupted the timeframe and manner in which I pay for services rendered, which in turn affects the spending that I can do on a day to day basis to meet my basic needs, such as rent and groceries.

This is the second consecutive time that this has occurred, and due to the amount of time and effort that I have had to again put into this to get this resolved, I feel that the acceptable conclusion is for (removed) to absorb the cost of the procedure, and implement some sort of training or communication program to get things flat between their departments so that situations like this do not arise in the future."

No one confirmed that they had received my information - after multiple phone calls and voicemails which eventually culminated in me telling them that if they were unable to get back to me, the next call would be from legal representation, someone finally (a few weeks after this was to be sent in) confirmed that they had received it.

Shortly afterward, I received a claim denial notice.  Alright, frustrating, but really, what can you do?  That was, until I looked at the reason for denial. It was, "“The specific reason for this decision is that your request is not a covered benefit.”

Argggg!!!

...How does that address anything at all? Completely irrelevant.  I appealed it, with the following letter:

"To Whom It May Concern:

My name is (removed), Medical Record Number (removed). I recently received a denial of my claim, with the statement that, “The specific reason for this decision is that your request is not a covered benefit.” This reason does nothing to address the initial complaint based on the failings of the employees of (removed); I called  (removed)  Member Services to find out what the procedure would cost – I was told that the total would come to $379.00.  I went to pay this balance on the date of the procedure, was told that there would be no bill, and received a receipt for a $0.00 balance (I still have this receipt). I then later received a bill in the mail for $405.00, which is above even the originally stated cost of the procedure.

Not only is this the this is the second consecutive time in which I have received significantly higher charges after a medical procedure than I was quoted beforehand, after I have gone above and beyond in practicing due diligence in attempting to ascertain the accurate cost of the procedure significantly prior to the date of said procedure, but in both cases,  (removed)  employees are the ones who have provided me with such misinformation. 

In addition, it took me two weeks and in excess of seven phone calls and/or voicemails to receive confirmation that my fax (required within two days of receiving notice that a grievance had been filed) had been received.

I have included the original fax which I sent over, which includes dates, times, phone numbers, and the original cause of my filing a grievance, which is that the failings of (removed) employees have resulted in this billing.  I still have my receipt from when I went to pay that says I have a $0.00 balance.

This is the second consecutive time that this has occurred, and due to the amount of time and effort that I have had to again put into this to get this resolved, I feel that the acceptable conclusion is for (removed) to absorb the cost of the procedure, and implement some sort of training or communication program to get things flat between their departments so that situations like this do not arise in the future."

In addition, I placed a call in to fax them over my receipt for the $0.00 balance.  I spoke with a lady there, whose name I am withholding, who told me that (quote), "You can send the copy of the receipt over, and it's unlikely to make any difference in the final decision."

...What???  If I walked in to Walgreens, purchased an item for $1.99, got my receipt and left, they couldn't very well come knocking at my door a month later telling me they messed up and it's actually going to cost me another $8.01.

I sent the receipt over.  

My appeal was once again denied.

Double Argggg!!!

After speaking to a friend of mine in the legal field about possibly taking them to small claims court, I was told that while what they were doing was totally ridiculous, if they wanted to contest it, they would probably come up with some excuse and tell the court that I was 'billed in a timely manner', and that I would probably end up having to pay them any way.

TRIPLE ARGGGG!!!

I went online, attempting to soothe my frustrations by looking up the laws about paying with pennies, and, really, not having any intention of doing so.

What I found, basically, was that - so long as a company accepts payment in US currency, and does not have a specific policy stating that they do not take pennies as payment - you can pay with pennies.  For more information on the specifics, go here: http://www.snopes.com/business/money/pennies.asp

The more I thought about it, the more suitable this solution seemed to become.  Having exhausted every other avenue to have this matter resolved differently, I was tired of not being heard.  Worse than that, I was tired of being told that while they had made the mistake, I was going to have to deal with it, and without any form of apology.

Stepping on people simply because you can is, in my book, absolutely unacceptable.

I looked up the results of people paying their fines in pennies, and, for the most part, it had worked out in their favor.  The times it had not worked out, it was because it had been ruled disorderly conduct.

Disorderly conduct?

Alright, I'll keep it orderly.

First, I called my bank and found out how long it would take to get $400 in pennies.

While I was originally told that it would take them a few weeks because the couriers would not transport that much coinage at a time due to the bulk, the bank manager asked me what I wanted them for, and I explained.  When he told the couriers what was going on, they got everything shipped over within a week, and passed along the message to, "Give them hell!"

Then, I called to find out where I could take a cash payment that was local to me.  I double and triple checked, making sure that they would handle cash payments, and getting the names of the people that told me this, and the times that we had spoken.

Finally, I picked up my pennies, and took them over.

HP - Month Two Results & November Goals

Alright, well, October was the second month of my year-long 'Happiness Project', and what I found was a couple things.

First, in that week of being 'super nice' to Wolf, I got it back tenfold. It was great. :) I attempted to keep it up for longer than a week, also, being as I realized that while the two of us really treat each other pretty well, I do act as in a manner that - if I were on the receiving end - I think would leave me feeling taken for granted.  That's definitely not how I want to be treating the man that I am married to. I also found that the 'super nice' bit got a little exhausting, and it isn't something that I expect myself to be on top of all the time, however, I do like asking myself daily, 'What can I do to make Wolf's life easier today?' I feel as though it helped me to be a better partner, and regardless of what was going on, it helped me feel good about the way that I was behaving in the relationship.  I also noticed that I quickly slip back into the nit-picking/sarcastic role - I get it, that's just how I am a lot of the time, I tell people that I love them by being a little bit snarky, and, it's something that I can develop and get some choice and empowerment around.  That way, even if it's my default, I can express myself differently without so much effort.  I feel like I did really well, even though the last week I slipped up a bit (hormones will do that to you - PMS really does make me crazy).  It's definitely something that I want to keep on top of - Wolf is one of the most caring, honest, supportive people I know, and (me being human) I don't always speak of or treat him as such.  Always room for development. :)

November, then, is the third month of the Happiness Project, and this month's focus is Passion and Play. (I was admittedly relieved that I put this one in there - sounds fun, doesn't it?)

The goals this month are as follows:
- Do something silly, daily.  Act, for a moment, with the carefree lack of self-consciousness of a child.
- What would you like to do today?  Indulge in doing something you love.
- Sing.
- Work on editing my novel.

So far, I'm doing very well. :) The carefree lack of self-consciousness has taken some work, and I'm getting better at it.  I started by being more goofy with the kids, and then last night (to show the kind of progress I've made), I needed another chair at a restaurant, so until one opened up, I dragged a high chair over to the table and sat on those.  Everyone that I was with loved it, and I even got some compliments about being so fully self-expressed and bold. :D I'm also singing, particularly during 'music' at work, which is good for me. :D  Rock on, November! :D

HP - Month Two

Well, September was a success! I did not meet all of my daily goals every day, and, I still definitely did more than I would have had I not been recording it. I have felt pretty good health wise (physically), and aside from having the typical allergy related stuff from the season, I've not caught anything going around from the new school year (yet). My flexibility got really good until I overdid it and pulled something in my leg, which required me to take a few days off from stretching, and, overall, I'm still more flexible than I was by a long shot. I also discovered that my body reacts very well to the endorphins released during the stretching time.  I did a pretty good job with the tidying, still not getting it done every day, but sure as heck a lot more than I would have otherwise.  I also noticed how much I really do leave things around the house, despite my prior notion that I didn't.  Additionally, I got a few 'nagging' projects done, though I managed to forget about doing those to some extent, since (I realized) I didn't write down a way to track them.

I'm a day behind in starting October; I'm excusing this due to October having 31 days, so really, I'll still get 30 days in... ;)

This month, being the month of my anniversary, is really going to be focused on the way that I relate to my husband. We've been married for a year (well, we will have been in as of October 10th), and it has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am so blessed to be married to this man; he is an incredible husband and human being.  He is unconditionally supportive of my endeavors, kind, gentle, compassionate, and slow to complain or criticize (even when I most definitely deserve it). Me? Well, I'm sure I have a whole slew of positive attributes as well, and - what I notice - is that I don't always treat him like the best friend that he is.  So, this month is about reconnecting with the 'overly' nice, forgiving, rose-colored-glasses, before-we-knew-each-other partner that I know I can be.

This month's goals are as follows:
- One full week (seven days) of being SUPER nice to my husband.  Complaint? Bite your tongue. Criticism? Think twice. His turn to let the dogs out? Do it anyway.
- Write, and then read daily, a gratitude list about your partner. Continue to add things to the list as they appear.
- Listen. REALLY listen. Ask questions.
- Action item: What can I do to make life easier for Wolf today?

I figure I'll learn some important things here, primarily an awareness of my go-to way of being in the relationship and how that affects the way we interact.  Secondly, I'll see how an altering of that can influence his way of being, if it does at all.

Alright... Enough for now... WISH ME LUCK!!! :D

I LOVE YOU, WOLF!!!

HP - Month One

"Happiness Project" - Month One

 As the focus for the first month, I've chosen 'Health and Vitality'; I've noticed that when I feel good, I'm more likely to be happy, and when I'm happy, I'm more likely to feel good, hence, focusing on the 'feel good' part of that equation seemed to make logical sense.

 The goals I've chosen for this first thirty days are reasonably simple ones:
 - Stretch (at least five minutes per day suggested)
- Get some rest (aiming for being in bed by 10:30)
- Take my vitamins
- Minimize visible clutter/tidy
- Aim to complete one 'nagging' project per week

 The 'nagging project' also counts as 'reducing visible clutter'/'tidying' - the project last week was purchasing&completing the anniversary present for Wolf (more details after October 10th, wouldn't want him accidentally finding out about it early!), and this week was to replace all of the bedding in all of the gecko cages, and spot clean the snake tanks. (Mostly because I forgot about needing to complete one project per week, and these are the two big projects I've completed thus far, hahaha). This weekend, I'm tackling the laundry pile and the bed linens.

 So far, I'm doing pretty good - a few blips early on, but things seem to be evening out quite nicely. I also purchased a business plan, and - while it's sitting in my inbox right now, without even having been looked at - it is at least there. Hooray!

 Aright, that's enough on Month One for now...
 Instead, I leave you with a (continually growing) list of

  Secrets of Adulthood:
- Sometimes, all you need is a really good laugh.
- It IS okay to ask for help.
- Happiness doesn't always make you happy.
- It's alright to be corrected; this is how we learn.
- No one knows everything; if you did, you'd never grow.
- Don't kill the messenger.
- The things you do consistently matter a lot more than the things you do 'sometimes'.
- People remember the way you make them feel.
- Cold water and salt will help colors stay.
- Medication actually DOES relieve most symptoms.
- People usually are NOT thinking about you.
- Time takes time, and nothing changes if nothing changes.
- Actions speak louder than words, and words are important too.
- Over deliver.
- By doing a little bit each day, you can get a LOT accomplished.
- Bring a jacket.
- Most people actually like it when you call them, even if they aren't available to talk at the time.
- It's alright to be you.
- People really just want to be loved.

Redefining what it means to be 'Female'

Growing up, I was never one of those girls that dreamed of having her own children. My daydreams were of an adopted child, if anything - generally a son, whom, in more recent years, I decided I'd probably name Bear.

I've maintained, throughout the years, the position of, "I'm not having any kids," - in part as a defense mechanism to fend off the pressures of social norms, the fear of never finding someone I would consider having kids with, and because I've generally considered myself too selfish to really even think about having a child. (When I want to go on vacation, I want to be able to up and go, not have to worry about packing a diaper bag and having someone pepper me with questions while I'm trying to get a tan.) I'm afraid of the thing that I would imagine a lot of people are afraid of when considering having a child - being a horrible parent. I'm also afraid of the possibility of passing along something that I've spent my life with - epilepsy. No one really knows if this is hereditary or not, but those women who have epilepsy and give birth have been found to have a higher prevalence of children with epilepsy than those women who do not have it and give birth.

This being the case, I was shocked to learn how much it upset me when I found out that (according to what we know today), even with all other considerations aside, it would be incredibly risky for me to have children - something along the lines of a 33% chance of major complications. To me, that means that while giving birth is a choice, it's not much of one - if it were only myself that would have to live with the results should things go awry, maybe, but certainly not if it's going to affect the child.

This has left me with a lot of questions, and the biggest one for me is, "Well, then what's the f-cking point of being female?"

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a boy - as I grew up, I was able to reconcile my gender with it's evolutionary purpose (whether or not I was going to fulfill on it). When I found out that my body would likely kill a baby, it all began to feel a bit random.

Now, before you all go jumping the gun, I have NO intention of getting a sex-change operation, hahaha - I don't mind being a woman at this point in my life, I've grown out of the awkwardness of it - and, I have definitely been grappling with what it means to be 'female'.

I haven't come to many conclusions, except that I've begun to separate the term 'female' from the term 'woman'. While 'female' refers to my organs, 'woman' seems to encompass so much more. That is where I've been focusing my energy.

I love the quote, "The obstacle is the path," for this particular time in my life. It reminds me that while I may feel as though I'm climbing a mountain, I should remember that I'm climbing a mountain - look around and enjoy the view.

I am a teacher, I am a coach, I have hundreds of children. I surround myself with love - from my husband, to my parents and my brother, to my incredible friends.

In finding out that I 'can't' have my own kids, I've received yet another gift from the universe (and when I figure out what exactly that is, I'll be sure to let you know).

So, if there's anyone else out there that's going through the same thing, or anything similar, I hope that you know that you're not alone. I've thought quite a bit about whether to post this - it's a very personal thing, and I'm not exactly sure that the internet is the appropriate place for it. That said, knowing that maybe it will help someone is reason enough for me to put it out there, at least for the time being.