Redefining what it means to be 'Female'

Growing up, I was never one of those girls that dreamed of having her own children. My daydreams were of an adopted child, if anything - generally a son, whom, in more recent years, I decided I'd probably name Bear.

I've maintained, throughout the years, the position of, "I'm not having any kids," - in part as a defense mechanism to fend off the pressures of social norms, the fear of never finding someone I would consider having kids with, and because I've generally considered myself too selfish to really even think about having a child. (When I want to go on vacation, I want to be able to up and go, not have to worry about packing a diaper bag and having someone pepper me with questions while I'm trying to get a tan.) I'm afraid of the thing that I would imagine a lot of people are afraid of when considering having a child - being a horrible parent. I'm also afraid of the possibility of passing along something that I've spent my life with - epilepsy. No one really knows if this is hereditary or not, but those women who have epilepsy and give birth have been found to have a higher prevalence of children with epilepsy than those women who do not have it and give birth.

This being the case, I was shocked to learn how much it upset me when I found out that (according to what we know today), even with all other considerations aside, it would be incredibly risky for me to have children - something along the lines of a 33% chance of major complications. To me, that means that while giving birth is a choice, it's not much of one - if it were only myself that would have to live with the results should things go awry, maybe, but certainly not if it's going to affect the child.

This has left me with a lot of questions, and the biggest one for me is, "Well, then what's the f-cking point of being female?"

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a boy - as I grew up, I was able to reconcile my gender with it's evolutionary purpose (whether or not I was going to fulfill on it). When I found out that my body would likely kill a baby, it all began to feel a bit random.

Now, before you all go jumping the gun, I have NO intention of getting a sex-change operation, hahaha - I don't mind being a woman at this point in my life, I've grown out of the awkwardness of it - and, I have definitely been grappling with what it means to be 'female'.

I haven't come to many conclusions, except that I've begun to separate the term 'female' from the term 'woman'. While 'female' refers to my organs, 'woman' seems to encompass so much more. That is where I've been focusing my energy.

I love the quote, "The obstacle is the path," for this particular time in my life. It reminds me that while I may feel as though I'm climbing a mountain, I should remember that I'm climbing a mountain - look around and enjoy the view.

I am a teacher, I am a coach, I have hundreds of children. I surround myself with love - from my husband, to my parents and my brother, to my incredible friends.

In finding out that I 'can't' have my own kids, I've received yet another gift from the universe (and when I figure out what exactly that is, I'll be sure to let you know).

So, if there's anyone else out there that's going through the same thing, or anything similar, I hope that you know that you're not alone. I've thought quite a bit about whether to post this - it's a very personal thing, and I'm not exactly sure that the internet is the appropriate place for it. That said, knowing that maybe it will help someone is reason enough for me to put it out there, at least for the time being.