"...A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise." -ShitMyDadSays (https://twitter.com/shitmydadsays)

I've got to say, the thing I least expected about getting married has got to be how much I've been thinking bout my ex. I'm not even sure that I've been about my ex, per se - it's more like I've been replaying bits of the relationship over inside my head for some strange, unknown reason; I've been excruciatingly mad at him and horrendously disappointed in myself, I've missed the friendship we shared and mortified at the people we were with each other toward the end. I think a lot about how it ended, and what happened between the start and the finish that had things go so horribly, horribly awry the way they did. There are a lot of things that I could say about the person he was, and the person I was, during that entire period of our lives - the great many of them not nice things. There were a lot of things I couldn't see, despite having people beat me over the head with them. There were a lot of things I wouldn't see, too. I guess, maybe, that what I'm hoping is that I've learned a hell of a lot enough since then.

I don't want what happened to my ex and I to ever happen between me and W. I know that I've learned a ton. I know that I've changed dramatically. I know that things between my ex and I were never like they are between me and W. I know now how to stand my ground; how to respect myself, and how to respect others. I know now to be honest, open minded, willing to be vulnerable. I know now that I am a person worthy of loving, and of being loved. I know now not to build walls where windows should be, and that being in a relationship requires the effort of both parties involved.

I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I hadn't received mixed reviews about my getting married to this guy; my parents have been alternatively supportive and concerned - they love W, they love the way I am with him, and at the same time, they don't always see where we are coming from. They've said, "I think you're making a mistake," in the same way their parents did 31 years ago when the two of them got married. 31 years ago, my dad and my mom eloped - one Jew and one Christian, and two families that liked each other, but definitely did not think the two of them should wed. One of my grandparents gave them, "Two years, max."

I often sit down to write these things (the blogs) to work out some sort of internal confusion about what's going on in my life, to figure out why things are happening the way they are, or why I'm behaving the way that I am. I think I've been thinking a lot about the relationship I had with my ex because when they say, "I think you're making a mistake," I hope that it's the kind of 'mistake' they made 31 years ago - the kind of 'mistake' that was exactly the right thing for the both of them. The kind of 'mistake' you make out of humanity and love and hope and trust, out of the willingness to work hard (because you know you will), and to experience both highs and lows (because you know there will be both, no matter what either of you does) - not the 'mistake' you make because life hasn't taught you how to love yourself yet.

I have a lot of hope for the life that I'm starting with my fiance; I have a lot of faith in us, and in our Higher Power, and in the partnership that we're building together. I have a lot of fears, too - most of them around myself, and whether I'm going to be able to be the person I need to be. I guess that's where I've got to look for a little more faith in myself.

I read once a conversation that went, "Is this normal? Are all bride-to-be's this nervous before they get married?" To which the grandmother replied, "Only the ones that are thinking."

I'll take it as a good sign that I'm thinking.