Quick Update (revised)

The past few months have been absolutely incredible, in a lot of ways. W and I found out that (through no fault of our own) we would have to move out of the house that we thought would be paid off by the end of the year; we had to find a new house, get W and B all moved, continue to pay on the old house while also paying on the new one... we've (in no particular order) had a yard sale, seen my brother leave to go back to Chicago, celebrated my brother's 21st birthday, celebrated my 24th birthday, sold nine geckos (hopefully that'll bump up to ten tonight), injured my back&W's knees, had friends in from New York, celebrated another friend's wedding, continued to work on wedding planning, continue to balance in time with our family and our usual commitments, and - next weekend - I have my bridal shower. Life has been absolutely jam-packed.

I am incredibly frickin' proud of my fiance and myself. Life has definitely thrown us some curve balls in the past few months, and the two of us have - remarkably - sent them out of the park. If building a life with someone means being able to step up to the plate together, no matter what is coming at you, I think the two of us are going to do pretty a-okay. It feels good to be part of a team that's building something.

I thank whatever is out there for the continued abundance in my life; my loving family, my incredible friends, and, somehow, always having the money where we need it at the time.

The other day I ordered W's wedding band - it's going to look like this:
It is an engraving of the Taos pueblo (...I believe - either that or Acoma), and it represents the closeness and endurance of home, the joy and presence of harmonious family life. I really like it, and I'm happy that he picked it out so that I could get it ordered. I feel a lot better when I'm in action on the wedding stuff. (...I feel better when I'm in action, in general.)

I've also had a LOT of help on the wedding front from a friend of mine - she just recently got married, and she's pointed me in the direction of a lot of excellent deals that I hadn't found. If you want some really cool DIY projects for a wedding, check out her blog at: http://cognitivefragments.blogspot.com/

My MOH has been putting together some freakin' awesome stuff for the bridal shower coming up, too - makes me really relieved that no one has asked me to be their MOH yet, I would have had no idea what I was doing. You can check out her blog at: http://candidpets.blogspot.com/

Another One Bites The Dust...

In just under 36 hours, I will be turning 24 years of age (as marked by rotations around the sun, not mental or emotional maturity, or counting those 9 months I spent developing in the womb). It's definitely rewarding to me to look bck at the past few years, and see that my exit from college and subsequent entry into the 'real world' marked not the ending of growth, but the beginning of an almost entirely new kind.

I entered 21 with a college degree, a black belt, and a bar tending license. I had no (paying) job, was single (with the exception of an off-again-on-again-who-knows-what), no credit, and self-imposed social-awkwardness. It was during this year that I got a (paying) job, a (real) boyfriend, and came to the conclusion that - whatever it took - I was going to get myself some footing.

At 22, I obtained a credit card, started a new career (teaching), and began the incredibly-arduous-and-ultimately-rewarding task of 'being a better human'. (Although rather amorphous sounding, this basically means taking responsibility for my actions, cleaning up all the sh*t I had left in my past, and continuing to do so on an ongoing basis.) I quit consuming alcohol (I actually did that a few days before my 22nd birthday, but made the conscious decision a few days after), cut wayyyyyy back on the red meat, and all but abolished sugar. I slept more, ate healthier, let my body start to heal from the abuse it had suffered at the hands of my diet/martial arts/sleep habits. I began to say 'yes' to social gatherings, and started on the road toward self-confidence.

Over the course of this 23rd year... well. I've stuck to that path; I've continued to work on my interactions with others, and on my interactions with myself. I'm wayyyyy more confident than I ever was prior; dresses don't scare me, formal events are a cake walk, and I'm learning how to stand up for myself in a non-retaliatory manner. I've worked on my relationship with my family, my relationship with my (now) fiance (he proposed this year), and my relationship with myself. I've become more like a gentle guardian, rather than so much of a sadistic slave driver jerk toward myself. W and I are renting a house together - our names being the ones on the lease - obtained with my credit score as the primary. I am paying rent in two places (my home with him, and my parent's house, where I'll be staying until the wedding), working full time, organizing the wedding, continuing to own and breed my reptiles, and 'partying harder' than I ever did in college. I've stuck to my diet (Two years, no beers! Woo!) - avoided most of the stuff that's bad for me, and I'm getting better at keeping away from gluten or mixing my protein and carbs. I'm laughing more, crying less, and it isn't that the circumstances have gotten any easier. It's been an incredible year; I've learned and grown a lot, and I love that I'm starting to really see the rewards of the work that I've been doing. Thank you, 23, and may 24 be every bit as blessed.

Feeling Young Again

When it comes to memories of my childhood, nothing seems more suiting than the rides on my bicycle on a hot summer day. I would toss on my bathing suit and a pair of jeans (it was as close as I could get to going topless, with the sun beating down on me), grab that well worn work-horse, and blaze down from the top of the hill, stop signs be damned. Other kids could ride their bikes, but when I climbed on mine, I'll swear those wheels grew wings.

The summer that I turned 12, I spent more time along the roads between The Reptile Store (not officially titled, but so named in every conversation I've had since discovered) and my home than I can remember spending on any road since. I would pedal until my legs went numb and my lungs would ache, arrive sweaty and grinning; independent, surrounded by lizards, and utterly, completely, free.

I did nothing of real consequence; I bagged crickets, rang up customers, stacked aspen, harassed the animals... I'm sure that I had plenty that was bothering me (I was twelve years old, what preteen doesnt?) but really, what I remember most, was being happy.

I started this post to talk about my bike; these days I have a newer model - still black, neon green, and entirely 'too' masculine for a lady as small as I am. It weighs 33 lbs - literally a third of my weight - is designed to be used on the mountains and not - as I most frequently use it - on the streets. I started with the intent to talk about my bike, and when I started talking about my bike, my memories spun out on me - I was back at the reptile store; carefree, awkward, 'independent' in the way only a 12 year old with a summer job can feel... I was laughing with Sean (all knees and elbows then, a drop dead gorgeous man these days), sitting on the counter above the pair of water monitors, antagonizing a rattlesnake in the attic... I thought I started this post to talk about my bike, and as it turns out, that wasn't what I wanted to talk about at all.

I started this post to return to freedom; that place that always exists, and we forget how to touch.

I rode my bike tonight; I went for a jog this morning. I brought my snake with me to work, and I had breakfast with my family before we went our separate ways. I sat in the sun on my lunch break, I read about forgiveness, and - for the most part - I brought myself back to the summer of 12; I brought the summer of 12 back to me.

What brings you to 'free'?

A Word About My Father

My father is an incredible man. It has taken me a lot longer to realize this than I wish it had, and I am glad that I know this now rather than later.

I don't always understand, or appreciate adequately, the way my dad pronounces, "I love you."

As I was growing up, it has sounded like, "Where are you going?" "Who are you with?" and "When are you going to be home?" It has often looked like criticism, sometimes like tough love, occasionally disguised itself as anger, and regularly rubbed me the wrong way because for almost 24 years, I have been listening with my ears instead of my heart.

My dad loves me so much.

He has put a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my mouth, band-aids on my knees, and displayed the kind of faith in me that most people only dream about.

When I was in college, my senior year, I had my thesis professor present me with a writing assignment of such a magnitude, to be completed in such a time constraint as I had never seen. I was utterly aghast. My dad said something to express his belief that I could get it done, and it came across like, "Quit bitching and do it." (I am sure that what he actually said was nothing close to that; I was so stressed out that he could have said, "What would you like for dinner?" and I would have heard, "Your life is fucked and you're going to die.") I screamed, "I HATE YOU!", got out of the car, slammed the door, and stalked off. It is the only time that I can remember ever saying those words to him, and I sincerely wish that I could travel back in time, shove them back into my mouth, chew them up, and spit them back into the depths of all things disgusting from which they came.

While the words that came out of my mouth said one thing, my heart said another. It said, "I am so worried that I am not the person you think I am that the only thing I can do right now is shove you away."

I don't know why it has to be so hard to be a parent. I don't know why being a kid means having to care so much about what your parents think. I just know that it is, and the best thing we can do on either side is try to be gentle with each other, and with ourselves.

He didn't yell at me, he didn't say, "I hate you too"; he didn't mope around in pain or sulk or give me the silent treatment (which I really couldn't blame him if he had). He let me know in his own way how much those words hurt, and I apologized, even though at the time I was still angry at him for believing in me at a time when I didn't believe in myself.

My dad was listening with his heart. He seems to have known something innately that all parents should know; children will forgive you almost anything, if you are there for them.

I think that bears repeating.

Children will forgive you almost anything, if you are there for them.

My dad has always been there for me, even when I had no idea that that's what he was doing, in the best ways he knows how.

There are a lot of things about my dad that I don't know, or don't understand - we can be going the same direction in a conversation and still inexplicably butt heads. A lot of it has to do with how similar we are; I find him to be lacking in tact, and myself to be lacking in oh-so-many-innumerable-things.

It simultaneously irks and amazes me.

The truth is, I am incredibly lucky to be like my dad.

I'll be more than blessed if I turn out to be only half of the person that he has shown himself to be.

P.S. I may type up the letter I gave him today, I may not. Either way, it made him cry. It was an awesome letter.

Happy Anniversary, Life

Five years ago today, three of my closest friends and I were in a car accident that we 'should not' have walked away from.


I still cannot explain how or why we did, except to say that an extreme grace was extended to the four of us.

For me, that means that I try to remember that my life is not my own any more.


Today, we have each found our perfect partners in life.
Two of us have overcome life threatening illnesses.
We are all making a difference in the world.
I am a preschool teacher.
H is a registered nurse.
K is completing the hours necessary for her to become a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
C has continued to follow his passion for aviation, and is now a "Tow Certified Line Service Technician" (...yup, that is indeed a mouthful).

Happy anniversary, guys.

May we continue to live lives of service.

The Original Post, for those that are interested:

Posted on May 17th, 2005

Last night, one of the most amazing things happened to me. I got the opportunity to reevaluate everything in my life that I thought was important. I got the opportunity to bond with some of my closest friends in a way that I honestly didnt know was possible.

Holly, Craig, Kristin and I were on our way back towards the school from getting ice cream, and we were over on 6th street when a 60 foot branch fell away from a tree beside us and came down in front of the car. We were incredibly lucky that the bulk of the branch missed us; it had crushed the van and other car that it had landed on. As the branch fell, it took down power lines with it, which landed directly on top of the car we were in. None of it was touching the ground, which prevented it from shorting out and thus becoming safe. The car became charged, and you could hear the electricity pulsing through it. Immediately we turned off the car and turned off all of our electronics. We knew that our best bet would be to stay in the car while the electricity was still on. By chance, a fire truck was close by, and someone happened to wave them down for us. After about 20 minutes, we were still in the car, the electricity was still buzzing around us, and the front of the car started to catch fire. To quote Craig, "Believe me, trying to get a fireman's attention while in an enclosed car is harder than it looks." After we got upset about them not putting it out right away, we realized why they didnt. In order to do that, they would have had to spray the car with water... water... electricity... not a good idea. It would have made working near the car incredibly dangerous for everyone, and could have directed the electricity straight back up the hose towards the fireman that was holding it. Luckily, the fire didnt grow very big. They kept it under control. Another ten minutes passed before the arcing started. (Quoting Craig again: "Arcing occurs because the air between the two metallic objects becomes electrically charged, just as the air between a thundercloud and the earth becomes charged or ionized. This ionized air becomes an electrical conductor, and electric current then leaps the gap like a small bolt of lightning.") In front of us and to our left, there was another wire. We didnt know it at the time, but there was also another car (the one that got crushed under the branch) and between the line and the car, the arcing started to occur. We had no idea what was going on though; just that these were very loud, bright, and uncomfortably close. The fire department did their best to keep us calm; I think we did a wonderful job on our own.

After about an hour and ten minutes, PG&E finally got all the electricity turned off. At one point, about 17000 people were out of power.. heh. We were all able to get out of the ordeal without even a scratch. The firemen were absolutely wonderful... Special thanks to Churchill and Franchi... and Bacon, for providing us with endless amusement. We even got an invitation to go have dinner with the whole crew sometime next week at the firehouse and exchange stories. After we filed the police report, we talked to the press for a while... ended up on 2, 4, 5, 7, 11, 14, and Telemundo. If you were watching news on monday night, you probably saw us.

John Tremain from the PG&E News Department passes along that he is very glad everyone is safe and well and that he's very glad no one was injured, and that we all behaved calmly and correctly.

To quote Craig once more: "So.....how close were we to actual danger? About a quarter of an inch. The front right tire went flat during the ordeal and the rim was sitting on the tire. If the rim had gone through the tire, the car would have become grounded sending all the electricity through the car including us. We were reminded by many policemen and firemen after we were outside how lucky we were. I think we all realized how lucky we were."

By staying in the car, we made a decision that saved our lives.

It was certainly a shock to climb out of the car and hear first thing from one of the police officers, "Dude, you could have died." Some of the firemen didnt think they were going to be able to get us out alive. Im very very thankful that they did. It really was amazing to me to see all those people out there putting themselves at risk to help four kids they didnt even know. Thank you guys so much.

To everyone: I love you. Please know that you all are important to me, and I feel incredibly proud and lucky to be able to be here writing this.

Learning Humility

I am not a religious person; there are a lot of reasons for that, none of which do I particularly care to discuss.

I am, at the same time, a deeply spiritual person.

I believe that there is a greater order to the universe, and that I am not the highest power in it.

Days like today... I remember that.

My fiance's mom has Alzheimers, and she is currently undergoing treatment for that. Every two weeks, he takes her to the doctor's office, they give her a mild sedative to help with the anxiety, she receives an infusion , and he brings her back home.

The entire process (from leaving the house to returning) takes about four and a half hours. Then it is another several hours before the disorienting effects of the sedative wear off enough that she can safely be left alone to go to bed.

Separated from her 'familiar' surroundings, she oscillates between being relatively cognizant and aware, and alternatively, being combative, anxious, frustrated, and confused.

This is the nature of her disease.

She doesn't always know where she is going. She doesn't always know that she's been.

She becomes irritable and scared and I absolutely cannot fault her; it's got to be a terrifying thing to flux in and out of a world you barely know.

I watch my fiance, with seemingly endless patience, help his mother in and out of the car, in and out of the office, in and out of that state of paranoia. He answers her questions, he makes sure she is cared for, he makes her life as simple and easy and livable as anyone possibly could.

I answer a question, I answer it twice. I answer it, and I answer it, and I answer it, and then, for a few relieving moments it is quiet. And then she asks it again.

And, at the end of the day, I am human.

I get mad because this wasn't what I thought I signed up for.
I get mad because my patience wears thin.
I get mad because when I get angry, I feel as though I'm not good enough.
I get mad because I have no idea what the future is going to hold.

I get mad because I get scared that the entire situation is so completely beyond my control.

There is nothing I can do to change the effects of her Alzheimers.
I cannot make the pain, the sorrow, the frustration any easier for W - nor would it be of service to either of us for me to do so, though I so much wish that I could.

I can be there.
I can help W remember to breathe.
I can help him watch his mom, so that we can work in shifts.
I can support and encourage, and try to remember that there is something to be learned, to be gained from all of this.

It is hard to practice patience.

It is hard to see love in such a form.

It is hard to watch someone I love go through something like this.

It is hard to go through it myself, whatever separation I may have.

It is not easy; that I know. I also know that inside every pain, there is a beauty to be found, if only I can find it and focus.

I am not the highest power in this Universe, and on days like today, I remember that.

Gush, Gush, Wedding Stuff

Went and got our engagement photos taken on Saturday; had an absolute blast. Center of attention? Check. In the photos rather than taking them? Check. With my man? Check. What more could a girl ask for? Really excited to see how they came out... Our photographers are the wonderful Robert and Karina Gillette - incredibly enjoyable, funny, lively people, who have been remarkably patient and helpful with everything, AND do fantastic work. If you're interested, you can check out their website here: http://www.robertgillette.us/

That photograph was posted by Karina, as part of her 365 project for the year, along with the following story, which I had relayed to her about the history of the ring:
"Today we photographed an engagement session with our new friends K and W. We had a really fun time with these two. My favorite moment was hearing about the awesome story about this beautiful ring. 100 years ago in 1910, W's grandparents were married with this ring. After W had proposed, and the wedding planning had begun, he went in to get the ring resized for K. The jeweler found a small inscription on the ring of the date of his grandparents wedding. With K & W's wedding already planned for 10-10-10, he discovered that his grandparents were married that same day 100 years earlier."

...Pretty neat, eh?

I have to admit, I did have a bit of a 'freak-out' moment during the photo shoot... W and I had been posed for a photo for a few moments, and I jokingly asked Karina if I could, "quit looking at this guy." W chuckled and jumped in with, "Not for the next thirty years."

At which point I had a silent spazz attack that looked a lot like this (insert mental conversation): "Holy crap. Thirty years?? I haven't even been ALIVE thirty years! Am I really qualified to make a promise like this??? To spend longer than I've even been alive with someone???"

It passed quickly enough, and it was still a little disconcerting... I spent the next day or so thinking about it, and once again going over things in my head. I have a really hard time with feeling 'good enough' for all this. It just amazes me, you know? I love my fiance - more than I ever dreamed possible, much less probable. He brings me so much joy and fulfillment, even on our worst of days... I can't imagine living life without him. When I am by myself, it's that feeling of being whole, separate, and unique... and still only half of something much greater. I read a conversation in a story once that took place between a grandmother and her grandson and the line that fit so well for me was this: 'Son, you might marry another woman, but you will never have another Wife.'

This is the way that I feel about W - he is my other half, my perfect compliment, the man put in this world to be my Husband. To know that someone I feel that way about, feels that way about me? It's... amazing. Beyond amazing.

Don't get me wrong, I know we're both human - we both do things that confuse or surprise or irritate the other one every once in a while, that's what being human is all about, those little differences - and at the same time, we're bonded by something that runs so much deeper than that.

"Love is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves." -Teilhand De Chaardin

New Beginnings

August of 2008. I was a university graduate and nationally ranked martial artist whose life - while highlighted with incredible love and opportunity - was absolutely, positively, heading face-first into the ground. Applying for a credit card, cycling the laundry, cleaning my room, making something to eat, spending time with my family... the littlest things seemed to be insurmountable challenges in my daily life. I simply could not do it, and the world was stacking up on me.

Some nineteen months later, what I can only describe as a 'miracle' ("an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause" - dictionary.com) has occurred.

I changed careers - I'm now working as a teacher, and I have been for a little over a year. I have established credit. I run my own small business on the side, breeding rare and exotic reptiles, and loving every minute of it. I've been paying my own rent for around 12 months - I don't remember exactly, maybe a little over, maybe a little under. My circle of friends has changed dramatically; while I still have some of my old friendships (you know, the really amazing people), I dropped contact with a lot of them, and started talking to new people. My relationship with my parents is phenomenal; we hang out, we have fun, we enjoy each others' company. I'm engaged to the most incredible man I know; he is my perfect partner, and I look forward to starting our life together in the fall.

Those are only a few of the changes that have occurred, ongoingly, over the course of the last year and a half.

In short, I've started to get it together.

...What do I do now?