A Little Overwhelmed

You know... I'm married now.

It is strange, and a wonderful feeling.

It's really nothing that I could ever describe; there's so much going on in my head.

I am overwhelmed with emotion.

I regularly want to cry.

When I realize that I've promised to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. When he comes to bed after me because I go to sleep before him, and he drapes another comforter around my shoulders to keep me from getting cold in the middle of the night. When I wake up at two AM and find his arms still wrapped around me. When he tells me that he loves me, for no reason at all.

When I realize that people flew in from three different countries, and unknown numbers of states to be at our wedding. When I think about all of the feathers I found; when I think about the hawks playing and calling and blessing our ceremony. When I think of all the love and beauty that surrounds me, all of the people that turned out to show their support as W and I went from "he and I" to "us".

When I realize that - due to circumstances beyond anyone's control - a tab is running up against my savings until such circumstances get ironed out. (Eventually, that money will make it back in there, and until then, it's a balancing act of trying to know at what point do I say, "I cant run the tab any higher.")

Between the wedding, the moving, and legal fees associated with the move, W and I are absolutely stretched to our limits financially.

It feels awkward and vulnerable to put that out there, to acknowledge publicly and to the Universe, "Hey, I don't know how this is going to work out here. I don't know where to draw the line. I don't even know if there's a line to be drawn. I don't know that there's a 'right' answer, I don't know that there's a 'wrong' answer, I don't even know that there's an answer. I could use a little bit of clarity...maybe some relief here."

It feels a little bit sad; I miss my parents' house, and the security (or at least obliviousness) of being under someone else's roof. I miss my dog and my reptiles; I hope that the tanks I ordered are ready soon, so that I can move the scaly babies into the place that I am living in now.

The help comes in faith I guess. Remembering that life has always worked out - that the universe has always worked /for/ me, not against me. Remembering that somehow, the ends have always been kept together long enough to get them tied.

I am uncomfortable; I wish I could make that feeling go away, and I figure that the best I can do right now is to simply acknowledge it and know that this too shall pass.

It is Sunday, it is drizzly and gray; there is nothing to be done but enjoy the day.

The rent check is not due for another two weeks, doesn't need to be written for a week and a half. Things will be done before then, maybe bringing some clarity, some relief.

I saw my parents and my animals this morning, and I'll see them again in not too long I'm sure - they're really very close; I could literally walk over in less than an hour.

“The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers.” -Erich Fromm