And for that I am grateful.

I am totally, utterly, completely blessed.

I am human, I forget this sometimes.

And, on days like today, at the end of weeks like the past two weeks, I remember that.

Call it luck, call it hard work, call it whatever you like... I am absolutely, amazingly grateful for where I am in life these days.

It seems to have come from the gift of desperation - being so absolutely desperate for change, any type of change, that I became willing to take the actions, any actions, necessary.

Sometimes it was little things - "Yes, Self, I know you want that shirt, but you don't need to buy it right now."

Sometimes it was bigger things - setting boundaries, being vulnerable, stepping away from toxic friendships, not letting myself 'settle' even when I was terrified of the unknown.

Sometimes, I can't even see the difference. I don't always see the progress I've made, or the results of my efforts - sometimes it feels like everything is falling apart at once - and then, I walk through it, and as I'm standing on the other side, I realize how very differently I handled things, and I realize one more time how much things have changed.

How grateful I am that they have.

My fiance. My job - not just what I do, but the people I do it with. My relationship with my family. My incredible friends. Having an adult relationship around money. Being able to spend time with myself, and noticing that the company has dramatically improved.

Thank you, for everything.

W is very old fashioned, and as such, I had never seen him anything less than fully dressed. Not too long ago, however, I was over at his place, and he went into the bathroom to take a shower before we went out for the evening. This is not uncommon; usually he disappears in there in one set of clothes and - presto change-o - comes back out in another.
This time, however, he came out with a towel wrapped around his waist, and the first thing that went through my head was, "GOOD LORD! What are you doing?!? I am right here! Put some clothes on!"

...Quickly followed by, "Oh. Right. We're getting married. ...I should probably get used to this."

Happy Anniversary, Life

Five years ago today, three of my closest friends and I were in a car accident that we 'should not' have walked away from.


I still cannot explain how or why we did, except to say that an extreme grace was extended to the four of us.

For me, that means that I try to remember that my life is not my own any more.


Today, we have each found our perfect partners in life.
Two of us have overcome life threatening illnesses.
We are all making a difference in the world.
I am a preschool teacher.
H is a registered nurse.
K is completing the hours necessary for her to become a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
C has continued to follow his passion for aviation, and is now a "Tow Certified Line Service Technician" (...yup, that is indeed a mouthful).

Happy anniversary, guys.

May we continue to live lives of service.

The Original Post, for those that are interested:

Posted on May 17th, 2005

Last night, one of the most amazing things happened to me. I got the opportunity to reevaluate everything in my life that I thought was important. I got the opportunity to bond with some of my closest friends in a way that I honestly didnt know was possible.

Holly, Craig, Kristin and I were on our way back towards the school from getting ice cream, and we were over on 6th street when a 60 foot branch fell away from a tree beside us and came down in front of the car. We were incredibly lucky that the bulk of the branch missed us; it had crushed the van and other car that it had landed on. As the branch fell, it took down power lines with it, which landed directly on top of the car we were in. None of it was touching the ground, which prevented it from shorting out and thus becoming safe. The car became charged, and you could hear the electricity pulsing through it. Immediately we turned off the car and turned off all of our electronics. We knew that our best bet would be to stay in the car while the electricity was still on. By chance, a fire truck was close by, and someone happened to wave them down for us. After about 20 minutes, we were still in the car, the electricity was still buzzing around us, and the front of the car started to catch fire. To quote Craig, "Believe me, trying to get a fireman's attention while in an enclosed car is harder than it looks." After we got upset about them not putting it out right away, we realized why they didnt. In order to do that, they would have had to spray the car with water... water... electricity... not a good idea. It would have made working near the car incredibly dangerous for everyone, and could have directed the electricity straight back up the hose towards the fireman that was holding it. Luckily, the fire didnt grow very big. They kept it under control. Another ten minutes passed before the arcing started. (Quoting Craig again: "Arcing occurs because the air between the two metallic objects becomes electrically charged, just as the air between a thundercloud and the earth becomes charged or ionized. This ionized air becomes an electrical conductor, and electric current then leaps the gap like a small bolt of lightning.") In front of us and to our left, there was another wire. We didnt know it at the time, but there was also another car (the one that got crushed under the branch) and between the line and the car, the arcing started to occur. We had no idea what was going on though; just that these were very loud, bright, and uncomfortably close. The fire department did their best to keep us calm; I think we did a wonderful job on our own.

After about an hour and ten minutes, PG&E finally got all the electricity turned off. At one point, about 17000 people were out of power.. heh. We were all able to get out of the ordeal without even a scratch. The firemen were absolutely wonderful... Special thanks to Churchill and Franchi... and Bacon, for providing us with endless amusement. We even got an invitation to go have dinner with the whole crew sometime next week at the firehouse and exchange stories. After we filed the police report, we talked to the press for a while... ended up on 2, 4, 5, 7, 11, 14, and Telemundo. If you were watching news on monday night, you probably saw us.

John Tremain from the PG&E News Department passes along that he is very glad everyone is safe and well and that he's very glad no one was injured, and that we all behaved calmly and correctly.

To quote Craig once more: "So.....how close were we to actual danger? About a quarter of an inch. The front right tire went flat during the ordeal and the rim was sitting on the tire. If the rim had gone through the tire, the car would have become grounded sending all the electricity through the car including us. We were reminded by many policemen and firemen after we were outside how lucky we were. I think we all realized how lucky we were."

By staying in the car, we made a decision that saved our lives.

It was certainly a shock to climb out of the car and hear first thing from one of the police officers, "Dude, you could have died." Some of the firemen didnt think they were going to be able to get us out alive. Im very very thankful that they did. It really was amazing to me to see all those people out there putting themselves at risk to help four kids they didnt even know. Thank you guys so much.

To everyone: I love you. Please know that you all are important to me, and I feel incredibly proud and lucky to be able to be here writing this.

Body... Sculpting?

Note: Wedding dresses are not designed for short people.

As it stands, in the dress that I ordered, I am a size two.

However, due to my height (4'10"), I ordered a size zero petite - this way, when it came time to do the alterations, they wouldn't have to chop off half of the dress in order for it to fit length-wise.

I am not a size zero.

I am a size two.

I've got (a couple) curves.

I like them.

I am tiny without being bony, I am lucky to be that way, and I know it.

Thus, in order to fit into my dress the way that I deem appropriate, I will need to rearrange some weight rather than lose it.

To start, I'm increasing the protein in my diet and decreasing the carbs. (NOT eliminating them - I WILL have my "noo-noo's"!)

Additionally, I purchased a pair of Skechers Shape-Ups, which - despite my initial skepticism - are TOTALLY FREAKIN' AWESOME. I'm in pretty decent shape to begin with; I wouldn't run any marathons, but my muscle strength tends to be above average. Even so, I definitely felt a little ache at the end of the first day wearing them. At the end of the fourth day, my posture is infinitely better, I'm pain free in my knees/hips/lower back, and I feel like I'm getting a work-out when I wear them, without working up a sweat.

Annnnd... most productively I would assume... I have started a 3x weekly core-exercise routine. I do two sets of 10 reps for each side, of the following activities:
Exercise One: Start in a squatting position, holding medicine ball with both hands, on right side of the body. Keeping arms straight, straighten legs to a standing position while simultaneously raising the ball so that you are holding it above your head on the left side of the body. Return to starting position. That is one.
Exercise Two: Start in upright push-up position, entire body off the floor except for toes and the palms of your hands. Rotate so that you are supporting yourself on your right arm, torso and legs perpendicular to the ground, left arm extended straight out above you into the air. Hold for two seconds. Return to starting position. Rotate so that you are supporting yourself on your left arm, torso and legs perpendicular to the ground, right arm extended straight out above you into the air. Hold for two seconds. Return to starting position. That is one. (I do twenty.)
Exercise Three: Hold weight in right hand. Step forward with left foot, dropping into lunge position while simultaneously raising right arm above your head so that it is extended straight out above you. Push off with left foot so that you return to standing position (right foot should stay in the same place this entire time) while bringing your arm down, returning you to starting position. That is one.
Exercise Four: Start in squat position. Lean forward so that you are balanced on your toes, both arms hanging down toward the ground, weight in right hand. Tighten core so that you can lift the weight to your shoulder, and then back to hanging position, without rotating your body. That is one. (I do twenty per side.)

Learning Humility

I am not a religious person; there are a lot of reasons for that, none of which do I particularly care to discuss.

I am, at the same time, a deeply spiritual person.

I believe that there is a greater order to the universe, and that I am not the highest power in it.

Days like today... I remember that.

My fiance's mom has Alzheimers, and she is currently undergoing treatment for that. Every two weeks, he takes her to the doctor's office, they give her a mild sedative to help with the anxiety, she receives an infusion , and he brings her back home.

The entire process (from leaving the house to returning) takes about four and a half hours. Then it is another several hours before the disorienting effects of the sedative wear off enough that she can safely be left alone to go to bed.

Separated from her 'familiar' surroundings, she oscillates between being relatively cognizant and aware, and alternatively, being combative, anxious, frustrated, and confused.

This is the nature of her disease.

She doesn't always know where she is going. She doesn't always know that she's been.

She becomes irritable and scared and I absolutely cannot fault her; it's got to be a terrifying thing to flux in and out of a world you barely know.

I watch my fiance, with seemingly endless patience, help his mother in and out of the car, in and out of the office, in and out of that state of paranoia. He answers her questions, he makes sure she is cared for, he makes her life as simple and easy and livable as anyone possibly could.

I answer a question, I answer it twice. I answer it, and I answer it, and I answer it, and then, for a few relieving moments it is quiet. And then she asks it again.

And, at the end of the day, I am human.

I get mad because this wasn't what I thought I signed up for.
I get mad because my patience wears thin.
I get mad because when I get angry, I feel as though I'm not good enough.
I get mad because I have no idea what the future is going to hold.

I get mad because I get scared that the entire situation is so completely beyond my control.

There is nothing I can do to change the effects of her Alzheimers.
I cannot make the pain, the sorrow, the frustration any easier for W - nor would it be of service to either of us for me to do so, though I so much wish that I could.

I can be there.
I can help W remember to breathe.
I can help him watch his mom, so that we can work in shifts.
I can support and encourage, and try to remember that there is something to be learned, to be gained from all of this.

It is hard to practice patience.

It is hard to see love in such a form.

It is hard to watch someone I love go through something like this.

It is hard to go through it myself, whatever separation I may have.

It is not easy; that I know. I also know that inside every pain, there is a beauty to be found, if only I can find it and focus.

I am not the highest power in this Universe, and on days like today, I remember that.